I've been diagnosed as having both Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. My moods swing from manic highs to depressing lows with angry bursts between. I have good days and I have bad days and I have days where I feel like I'm barely present. But between all of that I'm so much more.
I'm a woman with a job at a bookstore, a person with interests and hobbies, and (when the mood allows) dreams and goals. I have an amazing husband and four beautiful children. I have a life. And sometimes that is hard to remember, hard to even accept, and especially hard to maintain while I'm sick.
It's currently Thursday... and it's March break for the kids. I love my kids. I really do. I love spending time with them and taking them places, snuggling on the couch or doing crafts with them and taking them exploring. But this March break has been a little less of all that and they've noticed. Thankfully I'm feeling a little better than I have been, but it still isn't easy. It's still a struggle when you want to be the super-mom you previously were, when you want to play with the kids and engage them the way that you know that they deserve but just can't force yourself to do it. It's just another way that being sick has affected my life, another reason why I need to keep fighting, to beat the depression that is still making life more than just difficult.
And that's what I'm doing. I'm fighting it - fighting myself by engaging first and foremost in self care, and in sticking as much to routine as is possible with four kids jumbling things up. Secondly, I'm challenging myself. It's not much but instead of giving in to the need to crumble, to fall apart and let depression win, I'm setting daily challenges. On Monday I couldn't quite make it. So we had a quiet day, filled with movies and video games and more self care - tea and writing and reading. Tuesday went a little better and I successfully completed my goal for the day - getting out of the house with the kids and doing something fun by going swimming at the YMCA. Wednesday was a quiet morning because I did have to work all afternoon/evening and that was my simple goal - not to overdo it so that today I could complete more 'mom' oriented goals. I'm happy to report that it was successful, that I dropped my #2 child off at a friends house (sometimes even that is a huge goal in itself!) and the three others and I went to the park with a friend. It doesn't sound like much. But each challenge I've set for myself, each day that I have fought back against the depression is a huge victory.
It means I can do this.
I can be the same things I always was - wife, mom, creative mind, hard worker, etc... I might even end up stronger, better than I was. Like any illness it won't happen overnight, recovery is a process, but I can get there. I will get there.
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I'm a woman with a job at a bookstore, a person with interests and hobbies, and (when the mood allows) dreams and goals. I have an amazing husband and four beautiful children. I have a life. And sometimes that is hard to remember, hard to even accept, and especially hard to maintain while I'm sick.
It's currently Thursday... and it's March break for the kids. I love my kids. I really do. I love spending time with them and taking them places, snuggling on the couch or doing crafts with them and taking them exploring. But this March break has been a little less of all that and they've noticed. Thankfully I'm feeling a little better than I have been, but it still isn't easy. It's still a struggle when you want to be the super-mom you previously were, when you want to play with the kids and engage them the way that you know that they deserve but just can't force yourself to do it. It's just another way that being sick has affected my life, another reason why I need to keep fighting, to beat the depression that is still making life more than just difficult.And that's what I'm doing. I'm fighting it - fighting myself by engaging first and foremost in self care, and in sticking as much to routine as is possible with four kids jumbling things up. Secondly, I'm challenging myself. It's not much but instead of giving in to the need to crumble, to fall apart and let depression win, I'm setting daily challenges. On Monday I couldn't quite make it. So we had a quiet day, filled with movies and video games and more self care - tea and writing and reading. Tuesday went a little better and I successfully completed my goal for the day - getting out of the house with the kids and doing something fun by going swimming at the YMCA. Wednesday was a quiet morning because I did have to work all afternoon/evening and that was my simple goal - not to overdo it so that today I could complete more 'mom' oriented goals. I'm happy to report that it was successful, that I dropped my #2 child off at a friends house (sometimes even that is a huge goal in itself!) and the three others and I went to the park with a friend. It doesn't sound like much. But each challenge I've set for myself, each day that I have fought back against the depression is a huge victory.
It means I can do this.
I can be the same things I always was - wife, mom, creative mind, hard worker, etc... I might even end up stronger, better than I was. Like any illness it won't happen overnight, recovery is a process, but I can get there. I will get there.
