Infidelity - The Damage - Part 1

‘Stop blaming me and get over it.’ ‘You made the choices you made.’ ‘I am not responsible for the way that you feel.’ ‘There is no correlation between what you experienced in the past, and the way that you are now.’ Four years ago I began writing this blog as an outlet… a way to express the nature of the battle that I was facing in my head. A battle with mental illness and depression, suicide attempts and instability, anxiety and overall confusion… at least that’s what I shared with the world. But...

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The Past Was Always Vague

It seems to be a theme in my life these days. Everyone has a story. Don't ask what's wrong with them... ask them what happened to them instead. Everyone has something that changed them. For a long time, I spoke about my symptoms. The state I was currently experiencing, and the ways in which I was working towards recovery and walking along my journey. I spoke about trials and successes… and I mentioned trauma – in brief, vague, and very generic ways. Always vague. Always ashamed. Always...

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As the Shell Crumbles

Somewhere right around eleven years ago, I experienced a trauma that shook me to my core. It wasn’t the first major trauma that I’ve faced in my life… but it is the one that I can distinctively pinpoint as the start of my decline into serious mental illness. It was one trauma too much… the straw that broke the camel’s back. In the months that followed this trauma, a few minor breakdowns occurred and I tried my best to hold myself together. A new fear had formed, planting itself deep in my life and...

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The Hardest Confession

By the time that I post this publicly, it will be four weeks and four days. Like an addict trying to escape my prison, I count up the days it’s been since the thoughts took over my head… only my drug of choice isn’t chemical, herbal, or liquid. It isn’t gambling, sex, or pornography… it isn’t even really an addiction at all – or at least it’s not one that’s recognized, let alone spoken publicly about. But like an addict, I also wait with my breath held in… watching myself, analyzing my...

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World Suicide Prevention Day 2018

Sitting within the depths of my personal files, on a memory card I no longer use, buried in my basket full of storage devices, cords, and chargers; sit several letters, written in some of the hardest moments of my life. These aren’t just any letters… they are letters for the future – one for each of my children, and a couple for other people who have impacted my life. People who I felt the need to explain myself to… to say goodbye, to leave a thought for. In that basket, buried and hiding...

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Weaving Words

Recently it came up in my life, that my words were something to be ashamed of once again. It wasn't tangible... more so a feeling as I continued to navigate a downright messy place in my story. Several weeks ago, I was hit with that familiar feeling as I sat and listened to a loved one who had recently discovered my blog. As I listened to the feelings that this person experienced as they had read through my words and processed some of my thoughts; the instinct was to huddle up into a corner and...

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Borderline Truth

Your truth. My truth. THE TRUTH. It always amazes me how people see the truth as such a subjective matter that can automatically invalidate another person's experience. Being a person who has struggled with big emotions for a long time, it hasn’t always been an easy concept for me to grasp – the difference between my truth, your truth, and the real truth. Once my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) was diagnosed – it became impossible for My Truth, to ever be even close to THE TRUTH...

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A Picture Worth A Thousand Lies

Last week I posted a series of family pictures on social media from a week off we had all shared together. An hour later I flipped through the images and I froze… seeing the happy, smiling faces in the images and I realised that I couldn’t do it. Quickly, although a couple people had already ‘liked’ the images, I changed the privacy setting so that only I could see them now. This week I looked through them again and I changed my mind again… why was I hiding them? Who cares? So again I changed...

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Silent Times When I'm "Fine"

Six months ago I experienced a major breakdown… complete with unpredictable behaviour, suicidal threats and intentions, and a brief period of psychosis. My depression had hit, my sleep cycle was erratic at best, I continued to refuse to go back on medications, and for a short time, I felt completely out of control again. Nearly five months ago, I wrote about Suicide and the Awkwardnessof Speaking Out, where I made a stance and said that I would continue to speak out, share my story, and normalise...

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