The Trauma of Betrayal (Reposted from FB as it seems to have disappeared!)
I want to preface this by saying that this post will be about
my experiences as a woman who has gone through betrayal, but I know that the
men who go through this experience feel it equally as deeply; and oftentimes
have even less support in healing from the trauma aspect. This post is for
anyone who has experienced this kind of pain and trauma resulting from infidelity.
The second thing I want to say is that this post can only be
written from a place where healing has begun and moving forward is possible and…
it takes time and strength to talk about these things and even more to share
them openly.
So… Trauma.
It’s a term that we think about when it comes to physical violence,
accidents, war, or serious illness. But so rarely do we give it thought when it
comes to the after-effects of what has become a commonplace, yet hidden
experience. Betrayal. Cheating. Affairs.
So here’s the thing.
I lived with betrayal for almost 20 full years.
For nearly two decades, I lived with the effects of serial
infidelity. Each and every time, I worked hard to work through, heal, and
recover from one more incident… but here’s the thing that nobody talks about
when it comes to betrayal – there’s often so much more than ‘just’ cheating involved.
In my marriage, there was gaslighting, blame, misdirection,
hiding, downplaying, and reversing the focus back to me. At times, I was pushed
to the brink and my mental health began to deteriorate over time. As each and
every occurrence continued to affect me, I gradually became more and more
unstable… not sure what exactly was happening to me, and never really
understanding how the two things were connected.
It wasn’t until more than 15 years into our relationship,
that I began to accept the reality.
Living in a marriage with someone who committed serial acts
of infidelity as well as emotional manipulation, changed me in very big ways.
Because by nature, someone who has an affair wants to
protect themselves; it is often at the cost of the actual victim in the
situation – blaming, shaming, and redirecting to any and all faults that the
innocent party has. There is a form of emotional and mental abuse that occurs
which tears down the other person and makes them believe on one level that THEY
are the reason why this happens. In serial infidelity, it is repeated over and
over again until it is the only truth that is known. I thought I was the toxic
one… the trouble… the cause for all of the problems… the reason why he cheated.
Trauma.
The first time I talked about the trauma of infidelity and
the effects on my mental health; I was met with three responses – the first was
the support, those who had gone through the same thing and quietly whispered ‘me
too!’. The second was silence… those not quite sure what to say, perhaps
because of generational silence, or because I was so very open about something
so personal. The third was disbelief, shaming, and reversing the blame… mostly
by family and those closest to him.
I’m not supposed to talk out loud about this stuff. Even
still.
But that’s why I don’t want to stay silent any longer.
The trauma inflicted by infidelity in my life is the one of
the biggest contributor to a long history of mental illness, suicide attempts,
and overall decline in my mental state over the years.
How can I not talk about something this big? This important?
And sadly, this common?
Trauma and Infidelity.
It’s a bigger connection than what we acknowledge. It’s bigger
than what we want to discuss, and it is a topic that shouldn’t be hidden… the
trauma in infidelity is hard enough without having to add more secrecy and
shame to the mix.
Those that struggle deserve the chance to know that the
trauma is real. There is support out there… and most of all, healing is
available when the stigma ends.
*This post is specific to the trauma of infidelity. It is not
meant to solely blame infidelity for the choices that I made or the mistakes
that I have learned from. It is to highlight a very serious effect that infidelity
creates for the betrayed partner.*
