"I have no reason to keep going."
"I can't fight the darkness."
I can only imagine the confusion and fear in my husband, friends, and family's minds as they heard me speak those words - words that were far more than simple sentences, that reached deep into my aching heart and had become the core of how I felt. They were my truth and my pain, they were an overwhelming need to let go and finally be free of the depression and the anxiety that held me captive.
At the time, I couldn't think of anything else... I couldn't feel anything else. It hurt deep inside me and it was beyond exhausting to live each day, to try and force myself to take another step forward when all I wanted was for it all to go away... I wanted to disappear.
In my world, there was nothing left - the happiness, the beauty, the joy, the wonder... it wasn't just hiding, it was completely non-existent.
During my darkest periods of depression there was nothing positive within my grasp - anything that I touched seemed to wither and fade until the only thing that I could see or feel were excruciating reasons on why I needed to end it all. My brain took the things I had previously loved and convinced me that they either weren't good any longer, or they were better off without me poisoning them. My thinking was skewed and didn't make sense to those around me... I was too tired to try to fight the thoughts any longer.
Yesterday morning I woke up at my usual early hour and my husband and I went chasing the sunrise. It was an adventure to find the perfect spot to see the sun as it reached up over the horizon and began to shine down on the world around me. It was beautiful and bright and colorful. It was a new day and it reminded me of every time I've had to crawl out of the darkness, of every day I almost didn't make it through the night... only to emerge into the brilliance of life around me.
It's why I don't sit still as much any longer - it's why I have turned into more of an explorer, my eyes opened wider than ever as I see the beauty that exists all around me. My hobbies, my joy and my love have all returned again and i have chosen to focus much of my awareness on all of the things that I have always loved - but at times have been blinded to. I want to focus on the beautiful world around me - the small things, the positives, and the happy moments.
I know that for me it won't always be easy to see - I know the way that my mind can warp what I currently see as beautiful and twist them into muted colours and monotony, convincing me it isn't that beautiful any longer. I also know that it's all the more reason to keep on searching, to keep finding that beauty that is both within and surrounding me. It's why and how I can focus on the fight to stay healthy and well, to keep myself from sinknig back into the never-ending night... it's a reminder that tomorrow can be brighter, beautiful and joyful. It is hope.
I've lived much of my life in deep depression, a cycle that kept repeating and might try to repeat again. Beauty-hunting is just another tool to fend off the darkness for one more day, to cling to when the lights go out, and a reminder of the days to come.
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