Blogging While Down

Initially I started this blog in a journal style, not intending to reach huge number or anything, but to have an outlet where I could describe what it is like to live with these mental health disorders. For the few posts I've made I've enjoyed it and I've been completely open and honest. But then I started feeling a little down, and then a little more down and so I stopped.
Now to be fair, it wasn't really a conscious choice not to blog. Unfortunately depression is more than feeling a little sad and not really feeling like doing something. Depression hit me so hard again that I have wound up in the emergency room of the hospital twice this month for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. On days where I am here at home, I struggle to wake up in the morning. I have to force myself out of bed, to get dressed and to complete routine tasks in the house that should feel like nothing, that I've done as long as I can remember. But it isn't that simple. Loading the dishwasher feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest, switching the laundry like running a marathon. Even taking care of basic needs like eating and drinking water are forced and miserable and often leave me feeling sick when I am able to get something down.
And then there is the nagging thought in the back of my head. The one that shouldn't be there, that tells me I've had enough of this. That tries to convince me I'm not strong enough to keep going.
Suicide.
I'm going to admit, the right now I'm struggling with this. I don't know if it's the Borderline Personality Disorder or just plain old Depression that is doing it, but my thoughts are almost split. Logically I know I have things to live for. I have a husband and kids who I love, I have a job, I'm still fairly young. But emotionally. Emotionally I'm drained. I'm completely exhausted and it seems like it doesn't matter what I do to pull myself up and out of this depression - it only gets worse. I just want it to end.
Now I want to be clear. These are feelings that I have recently been struggling with. It doesn't mean that I am giving in to them, or that I am unsafe at this moment. I am still pushing through. Fighting against myself for my life. I am receiving help from the local hospital's community outreach team. I am about to begin one on one counselling, and am on waiting lists for group counselling. I am attending support groups to try and help myself deal with these thoughts.
So if I'm getting all of this support, why am I blogging about these feelings? I'm writing them out because they are real. Because it is something that millions of people go through. I know (logically) that I am not alone in feeling this way. The same way that I know that I need help and I am going to do everything I can to get help. To get better. It just takes time. So in that time I've decided I am not going to stop blogging just because I'm feeling down. I am going to keep going when I'm up, when I'm down and when I'm level.