Setbacks

It's been a tough week.
I take medication for bipolar disorder. The specific medication that I take is a mood stabilizer with an anti-depressant effect. Now this doesn't mean that I'm an emotional robot. Thankfully the medical world has come a long way from the days where people with mental health disorders were given medication that turned them into zombies. However, it does mean that sometimes things can still trigger us, even medicated. The difference is an ability to spot our mood changes, to watch for those changes and the ability to act on it before it becomes a crisis.
Last weekend I spent 24 hours in the hospital.
Triggers - things that we can't control but which have an effect on our mood - can still hit us and I was hit hard. My mood slipped down into a depression. Watching it closely my husband and I monitored it, waiting patiently, for it to come back up to a level place.
It didn't.
And so I (with my husband) made the decision to go in and get checked out at the local emergency room to make sure my medications were still working and to ensure that I was safe.
My meds were checked, some additional community supports were arranged, and now I'm home,
Why Am I telling this story?
Because it's real. Because this is a daily, weekly, or monthly struggle for so many people living with mental illness and I know that I am not alone.
Because I hated how I felt and I know that it is incredibly difficult to talk about or open up about it. And I know that I am not the only one who has been faced with making the decision to return to a hospital, a place that in itself can be a major trigger.
Because I know that it's normal to have ups and downs when you are in recovery/post crisis mode and I want to wash away the shame and embarrassment that clings to me at the thought of even mentioning where I've been and why.
Because I want to pull myself out of the pit of depression and I find it helpful to write about my experiences, my thoughts, and my emotions.
I don't want to be bipolar. But I am and it is okay to be me.