Small Things

(Small stones can appear much larger based on the lens they are viewed from.)

** Knock off the tears.
** Stop crying.
** Why are you over-reacting?
** What's the issue?
** Stop being so dramatic.
** It's not that big a deal!

It seems innocent enough to say one of the above phrases, and most of the time I'm sure that nobody would think twice about using one or all of them - especially if the person standing in front of you was reacting in a way that seemed ridiculous in comparison to the situation.In fact, you might look at such a person and have thoughts that go as far as to compare that person to a toddler throwing a tantrum, unable to see the reason that you try repeatedly to explain to them.

Let's make up a random example.
A couple make plans to go out for the evening, the babysitter arrives and they arrive at their destination restaurant to find that it is unusually booked up and full. One spounse thinks okay, that's fine - let's go find another restaurant, or something else to do. But as he looks at his wife, he realises that she's already gone. The tears have started and she's choking back a sob and as much as she struggles to hide it and push it down, it pops back up. He tells her to relax, it's not that big of a deal and yet, she can't help it. Before long she's not only crying but she's angry, he attempts to take her to another restaurant, to distract her but she's already become another person, vicious as the anger begins to take over. Soon there is an argument and he becomes frustrated because he doesn't understand what the big deal is, she becomes lost in her thoughts. Her black and white thinking has taken over... the night is ruined because the original restaurant is booked, he hates her because she's emotionally sensitive, and who knows, he probably didn't even really want to go out with her in the first place - he hates her.

It all sounds so ridiculous, and very much like a toddler throwing a tantrum... doesn't it? That's because, from my experience and my research it is.

Emotional Dysregulation. People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) don't have the same internal process for dealing with difficult or negative emotions. The thought process is actually quite simple - either you love me or you hate me, it's good or it's bad, life is awesome or it's not worth living at all. Small things are not simply small things. The daily events in life are overwhelming and unmanageable and set off chain reactions in the mind that convince you that everything is against you. And most of all, you can't see it. As far as you can tell, there is nothing wrong with your behaviour - I know, personally for me it was easy for me to admit that I'm a little more sensitive - but that was always as far as I could admit. Everything else, my insane over-reactions, angry rages and bouts of intense emotion were always someone else's fault... they were completely justified to me.

One time that particularly stands out to me, was several years ago. I was baking a cake - just for fun - and as it came time to turn the cake out of the pan and onto the platter I was going to be using, the cake stuck to the inside of the pan and basically only half the cake came out. Did I have a reason to be a little upset - yes, baking a cake is a lot of work and it's frustrating when it doesn't turn out. But how I reacted was completely inappropriate - I instantly felt frustrated and felt the anger begin to bubble. When my husband attempted to calm me down, told me to stop over-reacting and calm down, convince me that it was okay - I lost it. I started yelling (I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it wasn't very nice!) and the incident ended with me picking up the glass platter full of broken cake and slamming it on the ceramic tile floor. It took hours for me to calm down and before now I've never admitted fault or apologised for my behaviour. At the time I was so out of it, so convinced that my actions were justified that I saw nothing wrong with it.

Thankfully, things are changing now. I will keep stressing that I am not perfect... that a few months of therapy and new meds haven't completely changed me and made me totally normal yet. But I'm working on it. Unfortunately as I said in my last post, my actions have had effects that have probably reached further than I even know, and some relationships have been permanently damaged. Having BPD and Bipolar, finally having a diagnosis, is not an excuse for my previous actions and I am in no way, trying to continue justifiying them. I treated people in a way that makes me amazed that I have anyone left in my life who cares about me. But while it isn't an excuse, it does clear things up... it does give me a place to begin working, examples from my past to help me not make the same mistakes in the future.

Now, with work and with therapy and with practice - the small things aren't always massive events in my life now. I am learning to regulate and can
see the destructive behaviours, recognise the emotions and accept them without losing myself. Without harming those around me. It isn't easy. I still slip and I might struggle with this for the rest of my life - and I accept it. My husband accepts it. And we aren't giving up.

One small thing at a time, we are working through it.