It's Not Impossible

Some days, you just aren’t normal. You aren’t capable of reacting to things in the way that you are learning that you should. It isn’t a case of not wanting to, but of your brain being hard-wired in a way that you know isn’t quite right, but being unable to fight the thoughts that surface during those times.

It’s having thoughts, and thoughts becoming feelings and feelings becoming actions. Things that spiral out of control and keep you locked up in your own mind: irrationally, stupidly, and fearfully.

Despite an overwhelming and stressful couple of weeks, today was supposed to be a good day. A day filled with work, and baseball, and the beach. Before we even began, words were spoken; sarcasm that began to ruminate in my mind, sending me on a trip into a different reality.

He doesn’t want to be with me. But I know that he does.

It doesn’t matter, because he said it, he talked about disappearing and how we would be better off. He must be thinking about it. No. It was said as a joke, an offhand remark. He wasn’t serious and he would never do that. I should know that after everything we have been through and with how he has stayed by my side.

Once the thoughts became planted, it was crystal clear. I needed to put my guard up, be prepared. 

Although the rational, logical side of me was yelling, screaming at me to understand and to realise that it was all said in harmless fun this morning – it was drowned out by my emotional dysfunction.

I used every tool and every strategy that I’ve learned so far, within a matter of a few hours. Humour, distraction, shock, mindfulness, breathing and acceptance... all used to keep one foot planted firmly in reality so that I didn’t fully get washed into the chaos of my mind; a hand grasping onto the door marked ‘normal’.

By the time I faced off with him again I was almost there… fooling everyone around me, and to a degree even myself, into thinking that I was okay. I was fine. Until I wasn’t.

And all it took was a comment from my nine year old. A simple comment that completely shook me to the core and pulled out every brick from the wall I had carefully built throughout the morning and afternoon. It washed me away from any and all rational thinking and sent my mind into a full-blown meltdown.

Both my thoughts and my heart were racing and within seconds it was more than I could handle, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back… and so I ran away. Literally. I dropped the buckets and shovels that I had been carrying towards the beach and moved back towards the van, letting myself in and letting the tears wash down my cheeks as I tried desperately to shut down my brain.

I spent the next hour arguing with myself. Trying to sort out the ‘truths’ in my head, creating charts and graphs that only I could see, trying to cling to any sort of reason because everything was completely jumbled and I couldn’t make sense of anything at all. Couldn’t understand what was right, what was true and what was my messed up mind trying to fool me, make me believe things that logically I know are false.

Today I missed out on a trip to the beach with my family, because I wasn’t doing well and couldn’t cope.

I also handled it better than I have in the past, and learned some of my triggers for the future. As much as my mind was random, garbled bits of chaos… I did manage to use tools and strategies to overcome it and not let myself get to an even darker place.

Tonight I know I’m being hard on myself as I bring myself back to reality. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to experience these lapses back to the ‘old’ me. I also don’t want to entirely lose the ‘old’ me. And as I write this, I’m not really sure where I stand, except that I’m not 100% okay right now, and that is okay as long as I can accept it and work towards correcting it – and getting help if I don’t feel like I can.

Today was a hard day, but it wasn't impossible.