The Truth

The truth is:

I'm just a girl.

The truth is:

I struggle with Mental Illness.

The truth is:

I'm fighting back.

The truth is:

I'm not alone.

It's absolutely amazing what the mind can convince you of. Once I let my mind convince me that I wasn't worth it, that I was just a nobody who was undeserving of love and compassion and understanding. I was in the darkness and couldn't see the light... not only that, but I didn't even believe there was a light. 

Some of the things that I am learning seem so simple, such basic principles that you must wonder how I didn't 'get it', how I didn't understand. I'm learning to accept who I am... mental illness and all. I'm also learning that I am worth fighting for, worth loving, and worth living for. I'm also learning that it isn't easy, but it is possible. I might be different. I might experience emotional roller coasters that are at an intensity that I can't even explain and that most people couldn't fathom. But I am worth it and I'm not the only one. 

The inside of my mind is a battlefield between truth and lies, reality and deception. Logic thinking becomes skewed, the truth twisted into an ugly mess of lies that are so convincing that you not only believe them - you live them. 

In the past, my mind has convinced me that I'm not worth it. That I should kill myself and end my misery, because life isn't worth it. There is nothing worth fighting for. It has convinced me that it is alright to mutilate my own body, to pull my hair and bang my head against the wall; to cut my arms and legs and hips and shoulders with a sharpened razor to simply feel something other than the emotional mess inside my brain. It convinced me that it was what I needed to do to cope. It convinced me that I should leave my husband and that my marriage was over, that my kids were better off without me and that I was no good at anything. 

My mind hasn't always been on my side. And that's why I fight against myself. That's why I need to constantly remind myself of the truth and work hard to appear 'normal' on the outside. Inside my mind is chaos. 

The truth is:

I might always struggle with Mental Illness.

The truth is:

I'm fighting back and I'm winning.

The truth is:

I'm not alone and the only way to help others understand and to reach out to others who are suffering, is to talk about it, write about it and be transparent. 

The truth is:

I've given up on caring about the stigma and the fear that stops us from talking. 

The truth is:
As much as I'm not alone, neither are you!