World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I've been thinking about what I would write all week and about the words that I could use to inspire someone to reach out and to save a life. But I don't have anything like that, I don't know if I am in a position where I can give that sort of advice.

What I can do though, is be open and transparent. I can tell you that I have been on the verge of suicide and I have been to the place that is so dark, it feels like there is no way out, except to end it all. I can also admit that even though I'm in 'recovery' and I mostly enjoy my life now, there are still days where I think about it.

Yesterday was one of those days.

It's taboo though, isn't it? To talk about the fact that the idea of suicide popped into my head just yesterday, to admit that there are still occasional
days where I have to fight myself and remind myself of who I am and that my life is worth living. I don't usually talk about it. Out of fear, and stigma, and shame and embarassment I don't speak out about the depth of what I am going through. I don't admit that I'm tired of it all or that I can't see the light for a moment or two. Partly because I know it'll pass and partly because I now have the skills to slowly pull myself up and out of the darkness.

Yesterday I didn't commit suicide... but the thought passed through my mind. I had suicidal thoughts, but I'm not suicidal right now and I wasn't yesterday. (Having passing thoughts of suicide and being suicidal are completely different things.) But I know that I have been there, and if I don't keep on top of my moods and my illness's that I could get to that place again.

It's lonely. It's terrifying. It is a place without hope, without love, without life. It is the absolute worst place I've ever been in my life and it is very real.

When I was suicidal I was empty. I was done. I was exhausted. I was finished with everything and I truly believed that everyone was finished with me, better off without me. My thinking was skewed but I couldn't see it. I tried to think of my husband and my children, but I could only see the pain I was putting them through, the ways that I was making their lives miserable. I believed that they would be happier, more complete, without me in their lives. I couldn't see the happy. I couldn't see the positives. As far as I knew, they didn't exist.

When I was suicidal, the people around me were either unaware or worried sick. My boss, my co-workers and my friends didn't have any knowledge of what was going on. They saw me leave with a smile and a wave and the next thing they knew, I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. My family however, they were faced with making the tough decisions. Trying to talk me into rationality and trying to decide how to get me home and helped. Faced with these decisions, my husband called the police - several times, he didn't sleep and was faced with comforting the kids who didn't know what was going on but could sense the distress. As more family and aquaintances found out, there were phone calls and texts, worried emails and social media messages. The stress and worry didn't end once I was hospitalised. It took time, and it took honest effort from me for things to get back to more of a normality.

Even still... I know that people worry, including myself. It's something that will always be with me... not as scar, or as a definition of who I am. But of what I have survived, what I have fought against, and a reminder of how precious life is and how easy it is to lose sight of.
And that is all that I want today. For World Suicide Prevention Day, I want this to be okay to talk about. I want my friends and family and everyone else I come into contact with, to see not a person with a mental illness and suicide attempts scarring her history, but a survivor. I want those who are suffering and who are in the same place that I have been, to know that they are not alone and that they can get through this. I want people to talk mental health and suicide.

Love someone with a mental illness. Talk. Listen. Be there. Be open.