Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter. It’s an excellent mantra for when you need to get through certain aspects of life, lift your spirits or convince yourself that something is or isn’t right. But for me, it’s more than that and it’s one of those phrases that can even be dangerous when taken out of context.

It’s not a secret that I sometimes wish that I was ‘normal’. That I didn’t suffer with uncontrollable mood swings riddled with extreme highs and scary lows, or a personality disorder that can make me turn from a happy elf, singing and dancing, into the Wicked Witch of the West within an instant. And throughout most of my late teen years and early adult life, I have lived out the phrase – mind over matter – I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t abnormal in the least. If I worked harder, changed myself into what everyone else was and wanted me to be, and kept quiet, kept telling myself that it wasn’t who I was; it would all go away.

But that’s not how life works.                         

Sometimes you have the power to completely change things… and sometimes you need a little help, a little love and a little acceptance to overcome those obstacles. Sometimes you need to be open and honest and experience life the way it is – not the way you want it to be. Sometimes you need to accept your limits and work within them.

I’ve tried using the mind over matter method – refusing treatments, medications, and therapy because I thought I could convince myself to get better – I could change what was, simply by thinking it. Doing so almost killed me, but even still, it’s easy to slip back to that mantra, to let it convince me that I can do it all alone. But it’s also devastating when you can’t; when you believe you have failed and are a loser and are worthless and that you can’t even be ‘normal’.

So much of the stigma behind mental illness – especially mood/personality disorders – is because we have been taught this lie that we should be able to overcome everything. We should be able to pick ourselves up and move on, that depression or anxiety or mania are all controllable and those that can’t get a grip on it themselves are simply weak.

But we are not weak. We fight every single day to remain level – to find the therapy and the treatment plan that works for us – to not get caught up in the mind over matter attitude, and seek out help. We fight behind closed doors and with whispered words because mental illness is still taboo – can still cost people their jobs, their friends, and their lives. And then we are told to fight it harder, to stop being mopey or sad or manic… they roll their eyes behind our backs and call us overdramatic, overemotional or plainly exaggerated. We see the look in your eye that says ‘just knock it off already!’ and we wonder what is wrong with us, why we can’t just be like everybody else.

Most days I want to be the way that everyone else appears to be… until I remember that each and every person out there has their own battles that they are fighting. I only know as much about them, as they let me in to glimpse at their lives… and people only know me through what I allow them to see. Once I remember that, it’s easier to accept what I am – what I’m working towards and the challenges that I have already faced. It becomes part of me, open to expression and honesty and willingness to share, to not let my experiences hinder me – only help me. It reminds me that sometimes, in some areas of life – using your mind to change your circumstances can work. It also reminds me that sometimes there is nothing wrong with needing a little help, to use your mind to seek advice and treatment and support.

I’m level right now – in a recovery phase of bipolar disorder/borderline personality disorder – and as much as I tried, it was not because I simply convinced myself that I was stable. It’s hard work, dedication, tons of support and a lot of trial and error that have brought me to this place… my mind: it’s here, it helps – it reminds me why I need to keep going – but it didn’t magically change my circumstances, and it won’t magically heal me. But I can work towards healing, fight the stigma that comes along with the illness and change who I am, in time and with patience, with love and with support, with success and with setbacks; I will be stronger.