Those Quiet Moments

I'm curled up in the corner of the sofa, a blanket spread across my lap and a mug of hot tea beside me. It's 10:00am on a Thursday and the kids are in school, my husband at work. Aside from the sound of the laundry tumbling in the dryer, it's silent in the house.
I pick up my book, read a couple of paragraphs and then set it down because I can't focus on it. I open up my computer and pull up the writing I began months ago, hoping that I can lose myself in the words and yet, nothing happens; my fingers are frozen over the keys, unable to type a single word. I put the computer away and stand up, I move to the kitchen and inspect the cupboards to see what I can bake - I've always loved baking - but the minutes tick by as I stand there until I eventually close the cupboards again and turn the kettle back on. I'll have another cup of tea. While I wait for the kettle to boil I look at the stack of dishes in the sink, the toys scattered around the living room, the dust collecting on the bookshelf. I think I should do something, clean something and I start. And then I stop. And then I just stand there, utterly overwhelmed as the tears build in my eyes.
I can't do this. I don't want to feel this way any longer.
I feel the familiar feelings as they creep over me. I feel frustrated by my inability to make a decision, to simply complete tasks, to do something - anything. I feel overwhelmed by the to-do list that's getting longer. I feel guilty because I should just do it and I force myself to try again before I return to my spot on the sofa and close my eyes because I'm suddenly exhausted. And then I feel lazy and useless and worthless and a mess - like a complete failure at life.
But I'm not.
I've forgotten that I am still recovering from a severe illness, a complete breakdown.
I've forgotten that it takes small steps and perspective.
I've forgotten everything I have done.
I took my medications. I got out of bed this morning despite the weight on my body that told me to just stay there and sleep. I showered and dressed. I got my kids and husband off to work/school and I went to the local hockey arena and went walking. I stopped at the grocery store on the way back home and picked up a few things. And that's just today. In the past few months I have gone from wanting to kill myself to wanting to live - and to live a good life.
I'm slowly learning that I need to stop comparing myself between what I was like 'before' and what I'm like now but it's not easy to do, especially when it comes to my expectations of myself.
But I'm working on it. And when I get overwhelmed I try to remind myself of where I've come back from, and where I'm heading. It won't always be easy, especially in the quiet moments when my mind has too much time and not enough focus, but eventually I'll get there.
So for now, I sit and I drink my tea. I make a list of things that must be completed and I tackle them one thing at a time, resting in between. And I write about how I'm feeling because I have to remind myself. Things will get better, they're already getting there. In these quiet moments I just need to remember that it takes time. That I am strong and worthy and going to beat this. It just takes time.