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| A reminder from hospital, made during therapy. |
Some days I also feel like a fraud. I’m here writing (and
talking in real life) about how well I’m doing, how under control my moods are –
how level I’ve been – and how well I’m managing the Borderline Personality
Disorder symptoms… and really, I’m speaking and writing the truth. I am doing
well. But it isn’t without struggle – something that I’m not always able to
properly articulate in my blog posts because the fighting and the worry and the
constant watching is all under the surface. It’s in the reminders that I have
around the house, the conversations with myself debating whether or not I have
a legitimate reason to be upset or happy or energetic. It’s in the everyday
fight to maintain the good things that I took time and effort to set up –
everything from routine to what/how/when I eat. It’s in the battle of my mind
that still wants to creep up from time to time and tell me that I’m worthless,
that wants to stop me from reaching out when I need support, and that worries
endlessly that I will slip up – that I’m not doing enough, that it will never
be enough to stay healthy and on track.
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| The beginning. I needed reminders to get out of bed. |
At times it can be utterly and completely exhausting to keep
up with myself, to stop and slow down racing thoughts and to force myself to
remain in constant sleep patterns when I feel my mood start to go up. It’s more
than a little tiring to force myself to get up in the mornings and get dressed
when I feel like a cloud of depression is pushing me down, and some days it
feels impossible to keep moving forward when all I want to do is lay down and
sleep. And then when my energy is already depleted, to have to force myself to
be open, to want to build relationships and stop pushing people away; to bite
my tongue and not react viciously when the anger begins to build can almost be
too much. And occasionally I slip. I fail. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect I
will ever be.
But I can learn to cope, to take those moments of trial and
use them to find things that work, to practice on building the skills I have
learned and to be authentic with the people in my life.
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| A reminder of my last stay in the hospital, a painting I did in therapy. |
I’m not a fraud. I am doing well. It has taken me many years
of half-effort and lack of understanding to get me here. It has taken suicide
attempts and hospital stays, psychiatrist appointments and support groups to
help me understand. Mental illness is not something you can deal with alone and
although it took a lot of ‘wrongs’ to get me to where I am, I’m glad I’m
finally here, in the place that I can acknowledge it all.
Mental illness doesn’t have to be my weakness. It is one of
the many things in my life that has made me stronger and more resilient. I have
become more determined to change my life and I am willing to do whatever it
takes to make that happen – doctors, medications, support groups, supportive
family/friends, research, talking, writing, self-discovery and self-care. My
journey isn’t pretty. It isn’t filled with a doctor that took the time to
counsel all of the reasons why I am this way, a single medication that has
fixed my life and made everything look like roses. It has been filled with
tears and fights and denial and ugly truths and hard lessons. It has been filled
with days when I wasn’t sure I could go on, when recovery and happiness seemed
completely impossible but I pushed ahead anyways. It didn’t always seem like
it, but I know that it has been worth it. It sometimes seems so dark that you
know that you will never escape, but I promise there is hope. If you are
struggling, find help – reach out, call a friend or a hotline, dig your heels
in and try just a little harder and you will find the light. It is there, just
around the corner. Life is always worth it, even when you can’t see your happy
ending.
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| One of my reminders, (semi-colon tattoo) because my story isn't over yet. |
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