Will They Stay or Will They Go?

Fear of abandonment and constant feelings of rejection. For me this has always been (just one of) my key identifying factors for the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis. It might sound silly and you might want to say ‘that’s life, get over it’, but it isn’t that simple. It is a paralysing fear, a complete lack of self-worth and self-love, and the constant feeling that at any moment those you care most about will stand up and walk away from you.

And so, to avoid the inevitable rejection that you know will come (because everyone will leave you eventually), you instead push people away. You build relationships but never really let others in. You try to be social and fit in with the rest of society, but you can’t quite feel like you are a part of the bigger picture. So you back away or hurt someone or instead smother them or you become insanely jealous of any other relationships that they may have outside of you. You know logically that you are being ridiculous but you can’t help but to constantly doubt and wonder and question every relationship in your life – the feelings, the thoughts and the people that you want to love and care about. You wear a mask and you pretend that you’re fine and that you can handle anything – you can be happy and mean and jealous and productive and competitive and shallow and friendly and angry… you can be anything as long as you are stopping yourself from the eventual rejection and hurt that always happens. You can’t believe that anyone really like you, despite the many ways they might tell or show you. And so, the pressure is on for those in your life and like anyone would, eventually they crack and you fight and they disappear – proving in the end that everything you believed was right. You don’t realise that it is often times your own doing.

And so, it’s something I’ve had to work on. I’ve had to learn to let people in… to take off my mask and build true friendships and deeper relationships. I’ve had to go back and re-build connections that I had destroyed with my distorted black and white thinking, and hot and cold personality. I’ve had to take a long and honest look at who I am and who I’ve been… the things I have said and done throughout my life that have pushed even those that truly cared, away from me. I have had to learn to fight the negative self-talk and build up my own self-worth… I’ve had to actually begin to like myself and who I am.

Most importantly I’ve had to learn one other thing… and I don’t really like it as it is leaving a sour taste in my mouth and my heart: People will leave you. People will fade away and relationships will change and shift with time and effort and schedules and life. People will also stay. Those that matter and that you love… those connections that you take the time to nurture and treat right will often (not always) stay. That is a part of what life involves, growing and changing and learning – sometimes friendships grow and change with us and sometimes it is better to let them grow their own way while you work on yourself.

The funny thing is, that recently while I have evaluated the many relationships in my life – I have most often come to the conclusion that I had done something wrong, something that caused the inevitable fissure in the relationship… and a few honest people in my life were open about the ways I had hurt them or the things I had done. But what I have found out through this year of recovery and growth is that even when I’m ‘well’, even when things are going ‘right’ and I am personally invested in building or rebuilding a relationship, people will still leave or close you out. Even those relationships that you believe are worth fighting for, that you want more than any other and are willing to sacrifice so much for, can be felt as one-sided, the other person still choosing to exit.

And that is not my fault. That is not reflective of my self-worth or who I am as a person. That is on the other person and there is nothing that you can do but let them go, continue to love them if you choose (sometimes people are still intertwined in your life, despite not wanting a close relationship) and keep on growing and becoming a better person for yourself.

Relationships will come and go in life. Fight for the ones you want to keep, learn and grow and change as needed for yourself – not for anyone else, and accept that some people will not want you in their life; some people will be unhappy despite the person you have or will become. And most of all, remember that you are loved… it might not feel like it, and you might not recognise it sitting right in front of you, but someone in your life does love you. Accept it, nurture it, and build on it. Work to fix those relationships that are worth it, and let go of the ones that aren't - it might hurt and that's okay, but don't let it paralyse you or set you back. Keep your eyes open because connections can be found in the oddest of places and most important: learn to love yourself first.