The Guilty Battle

Niagara Falls, Ontario - there are indoor water-parks, wax museums, gift shops, the waterfalls and tons of other tourist-y things to do with the family. It's kid friendly and I know from past visits that my husband and children would have enjoyed the weekend that I just spent there... alone, with my cousin; and yet, I didn't take them with me.

It wasn't that I couldn't... but then again... it was. You see, the trip itself was a joint idea between my cousin and myself. I contacted her last week about getting down to see her for a few days because I needed some recovery time. She suggested we do Niagara Falls for a night away and I readily agreed because I needed to get out of town for a couple of days alone. 

Alone. With my thoughts. With a friend. With time to let myself get to a better place. It was exactly what I needed; it's just that my dear old friend guilt also wanted to tag along. 

Guilt. It's a natural part of life and with all of the other emotions that I deal with, I find it can often times sneak right in undetected until it rears its ugly head, letting you know that yes, you should feel bad about abandoning your children and husband for an alone/girls weekend, after only just coming out of the hospital. It is the force behind the thoughts that say that what you are doing isn't enough, your efforts to put yourself in a good place are taking up too much of your time and energy, that says you should just be better by now. It's the voice that tells you to suck it up because there are millions of people in the world who have things worse than you. It's the whisper that speaks and says that if you were a true Christian, you would never feel alone, and you would beat this mental illness once and for all.

Guilt. It's an incredibly strong and loud voice that can take hold of your emotions and send them spinning again without warning, refusing to listen to the logic that you know is buried inside your mind.

I'm refusing to let guilt in though... I won't let it win. 

I went away this past weekend and I enjoyed myself. I talked and listened, I laughed and walked, I thought and I prayed, I slept and I swam.... and every time guilt reared it's ugly head I told it to take a hike because I was doing exactly what I needed to do at the moment. I refused to let guilt in and make itself comfortable. I refused to play it's game and allow it to entertain my mind with all of the shoulds and coulds and maybes that it likes to throw around and taunt me with, that tell me that I could be better than what I am.

And now, now I'm at home. I'm exactly where I am in my recovery journey and I don't feel guilty about taking time to myself. I'm refreshed and recharged and ready for the next battle, the next steps that I am going to take, and the next things I'm going to learn. I'm ready to fight again, to show guilt and anger and depression and mania who I am inside... I'm ready to show them hope, and love, and steadiness, and perseverance because I refused to let guilt in; because I took care of myself. It wasn't easy, but the battle was won this time - one day at a time.