Trigger at the Falls

Sauble Falls

Yesterday I went out to take some pictures before the weather got too nasty out. They were calling for a big snow-storm and as part of my routine I'm trying to get outdoors and exercise daily whenever possible. I had a particular spot in mind when I left the house in the morning - I wanted to snap some pics of a waterfall with my camera and walk along the frozen beach. Well I got to the waterfall and to begin with I realised that my tripod was broken and I couldn't use it for what I had intended. (I didn't even have duck tape on me to do a quick fix and make it useable!) Then, when I got to the edge of the water I was surprised at how fast it was flowing - I shouldn't have been. I'm familiar with this particular river and know that it gets quite fast in the winter and spring. Sitting in the cold I managed to snap just a couple pictures before I realised exactly how tense I was... my back hurt, I was being uber-paranoid about the possibility of falling in, my breathing quickened, and my brain was starting to go a bazillion miles a minute. It hit me then. I was feeling triggered by the waterfall and the stress of broken equipment and lack of sleep the night before.

Now, being triggered is nothing new for me. Unfortunately the healthiest of people get triggered from time to time - add in mental illness and it's a common occurrance. The part that bothered me though was how surprised I was by it. I shouldn't have been. Over the last two weeks I have visited exactly six different waterfalls with only one other triggering thought occurring. During that one other thought I managed to keep my head straight and recognise it right away. I used skills that I always have at the ready and managed it until I felt okay... heading home and talking (and even joking!) about it with my husband. So to be so triggered yesterday, and to take so long to recognise it actually bothered me for quite some time. I shouldn't have been surprised by the trigger... but I was.

Ice Formation at Sauble Falls

I've talked about triggers before. But I feel strongly that I need to keep talking about them... because here's the thing: they can hit at any time and affect you in any number of ways. When I was triggered last week at a waterfall I felt myself get tense and I had one, very brief flashback to a different waterfall experience and almost instantly my brain started to fire, trying to bring in guilt and self-hatred. I halted it. I experienced it. I let myself know that I was a different person now and that I am in a very different position. I pulled my camera out and photographed not just the water, but the beauty that was all around me. This week I was triggered by a waterfall and while my body reacted similarily, I also got extremely agitated and angry. I felt the self hatred explode - especially when it took so long to recognise how bothered I was by being in a place I wanted to be. It took me until I was halfway home to realise where I was in my mind, how I was feeling and just why I felt that way.

Thankfully I have enough tools to work with now that I have figured out how to cope with triggers - even when I'm more affected than normal. But it has been a long journey to figure out those things that work to bring me back, that can remind me of who I am and how far I've come. It has taken practice using those skills in the small moments and day to day things that has allowed me to be able to function when the middle sized or big events happen and take me by surprise.

Weaver's Creek Falls

I'm not perfect. Days like today still happen... I'm still taken by surprise, I still have to pull out my journal and add in things that help, things that harm and things that I might try in the future. But I'm facing it. I'm growing from it. Every day is a learning experience and I need those triggers in my life to make sure that I can handle it when things break down. There is hope... one day I will be able to handle so many triggers, that they will no longer be triggering. There will be new ones that will pop up but the big ones won't seem so big anymore... the tools will become a part of me, a part of the way that I will react, that I will deal with things. I'm on my way, each trigger is just another pit-stop on my journey.

** While I was definitely triggered at the waterfall I did not and would not put myself in a position where I would be unsafe. While facing my triggers I gage previous reactions and my current state of mind to decide whether or not it will be safe for me to enter any situation.