Trigger at the Falls

Sauble Falls

Yesterday I went out to take some pictures before the weather got too nasty out. They were calling for a big snow-storm and as part of my routine I'm trying to get outdoors and exercise daily whenever possible. I had a particular spot in mind when I left the house in the morning - I wanted to snap some pics of a waterfall with my camera and walk along the frozen beach. Well I got to the waterfall and to begin with I realised that my tripod was broken and I couldn't use it for what I had intended. (I didn't even have duck tape on me to do a quick fix and make it useable!) Then, when I got to the edge of the water I was surprised at how fast it was flowing - I shouldn't have been. I'm familiar with this particular river and know that it gets quite fast in the winter and spring. Sitting in the cold I managed to snap just a couple pictures before I realised exactly how tense I was... my back hurt, I was being uber-paranoid about the possibility of falling in, my breathing quickened, and my brain was starting to go a bazillion miles a minute. It hit me then. I was feeling triggered by the waterfall and the stress of broken equipment and lack of sleep the night before.

Now, being triggered is nothing new for me. Unfortunately the healthiest of people get triggered from time to time - add in mental illness and it's a common occurrance. The part that bothered me though was how surprised I was by it. I shouldn't have been. Over the last two weeks I have visited exactly six different waterfalls with only one other triggering thought occurring. During that one other thought I managed to keep my head straight and recognise it right away. I used skills that I always have at the ready and managed it until I felt okay... heading home and talking (and even joking!) about it with my husband. So to be so triggered yesterday, and to take so long to recognise it actually bothered me for quite some time. I shouldn't have been surprised by the trigger... but I was.

Ice Formation at Sauble Falls

I've talked about triggers before. But I feel strongly that I need to keep talking about them... because here's the thing: they can hit at any time and affect you in any number of ways. When I was triggered last week at a waterfall I felt myself get tense and I had one, very brief flashback to a different waterfall experience and almost instantly my brain started to fire, trying to bring in guilt and self-hatred. I halted it. I experienced it. I let myself know that I was a different person now and that I am in a very different position. I pulled my camera out and photographed not just the water, but the beauty that was all around me. This week I was triggered by a waterfall and while my body reacted similarily, I also got extremely agitated and angry. I felt the self hatred explode - especially when it took so long to recognise how bothered I was by being in a place I wanted to be. It took me until I was halfway home to realise where I was in my mind, how I was feeling and just why I felt that way.

Thankfully I have enough tools to work with now that I have figured out how to cope with triggers - even when I'm more affected than normal. But it has been a long journey to figure out those things that work to bring me back, that can remind me of who I am and how far I've come. It has taken practice using those skills in the small moments and day to day things that has allowed me to be able to function when the middle sized or big events happen and take me by surprise.

Weaver's Creek Falls

I'm not perfect. Days like today still happen... I'm still taken by surprise, I still have to pull out my journal and add in things that help, things that harm and things that I might try in the future. But I'm facing it. I'm growing from it. Every day is a learning experience and I need those triggers in my life to make sure that I can handle it when things break down. There is hope... one day I will be able to handle so many triggers, that they will no longer be triggering. There will be new ones that will pop up but the big ones won't seem so big anymore... the tools will become a part of me, a part of the way that I will react, that I will deal with things. I'm on my way, each trigger is just another pit-stop on my journey.

** While I was definitely triggered at the waterfall I did not and would not put myself in a position where I would be unsafe. While facing my triggers I gage previous reactions and my current state of mind to decide whether or not it will be safe for me to enter any situation.

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It's Worth Sharing

A year ago today I posted a note on facebook sharing the link to this blog and letting the world see inside my head for the first time ever. It wasn't my first time writing - it was just my first time sharing that writing. I began a journey that terrified me, with no intention of keeping it up, no expectations of where it would go, just strongly feeling that I needed to share where I was at and some of the experiences I've had - starting with my attempted suicide in November 2014.

It has been an amazing journey that has been a far more powerful experience than I ever thought it could be.

February 2016

Though I haven't posted on a schedule and I haven't kept track or even known a lot of the time if anyone (or who they are) is reading it, I know that my words have made a difference. In my own life, I feel free. I have put aside so many of my own fears and insecurities to open myself up like this - to share the darkest and scariest parts of my mind with anyone who is interested. I have used it as a tool, a coping strategy when I'm not doing well, and a place where I can share my accomplishments when I do succeed in mastering a strategy or simply getting through a difficult emotion. I also know I'm making a difference somewhere else. I'm being vocal and I'm speaking up. I'm not letting the stigma that is still so attached to mental health shut me down. I am saying that I have a mental illness and that is okay... I'm different, unique, and wired a little funky but that's alright because, well, who isn't?

So on this, my First Anniversary of Sharing, I would like to post a little update. Because this year has been tough; it has gone up, and down with stretches of level in between. I have had joy and laughter and excitement, and I have also experienced pain and panic and fear and sadness and desperation and loss of hope.

I have survived panic attacks, hypo-manic, and depressive episodes, and I let myself get help. I have adjusted medications and attended multiple types of counselling and therapy groups. I ha
ve spoken to doctors and pychiatrists, crisis workers and nurses, and friends and family. I have developed a tool box and I use it regularly - incorporating new skills almost every day. I have continued on and accepted this journey that I've been given, sometimes with determination and hope, and sometimes with a great deal of struggling and self pity. I have not just survived... I have lived while in recovery.

Today, right now, I am alive and well. I'm still struggling with sleeping regularly and getting the meds just right... but I've got hope and love and support. I'm developing a new routine and eating healthy to get me back to a level place and I work hard daily to stay grounded. I'm different than I was a year ago, two years ago, or more.

This is where I'm at right now. So on my First Anniversary of Sharing I want to encourage anyone else who struggles with Mental Health. You are not alone. It isn't always easy, but it is worth it. I have learned and grown so much within the last year and I know I will only continue to do so. Reach out. Find support. Love yourself no matter where you are at, and give your recovery journey a chance. It is worth it. Your life is worth it.

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The Guilty Battle

Niagara Falls, Ontario - there are indoor water-parks, wax museums, gift shops, the waterfalls and tons of other tourist-y things to do with the family. It's kid friendly and I know from past visits that my husband and children would have enjoyed the weekend that I just spent there... alone, with my cousin; and yet, I didn't take them with me.

It wasn't that I couldn't... but then again... it was. You see, the trip itself was a joint idea between my cousin and myself. I contacted her last week about getting down to see her for a few days because I needed some recovery time. She suggested we do Niagara Falls for a night away and I readily agreed because I needed to get out of town for a couple of days alone. 

Alone. With my thoughts. With a friend. With time to let myself get to a better place. It was exactly what I needed; it's just that my dear old friend guilt also wanted to tag along. 

Guilt. It's a natural part of life and with all of the other emotions that I deal with, I find it can often times sneak right in undetected until it rears its ugly head, letting you know that yes, you should feel bad about abandoning your children and husband for an alone/girls weekend, after only just coming out of the hospital. It is the force behind the thoughts that say that what you are doing isn't enough, your efforts to put yourself in a good place are taking up too much of your time and energy, that says you should just be better by now. It's the voice that tells you to suck it up because there are millions of people in the world who have things worse than you. It's the whisper that speaks and says that if you were a true Christian, you would never feel alone, and you would beat this mental illness once and for all.

Guilt. It's an incredibly strong and loud voice that can take hold of your emotions and send them spinning again without warning, refusing to listen to the logic that you know is buried inside your mind.

I'm refusing to let guilt in though... I won't let it win. 

I went away this past weekend and I enjoyed myself. I talked and listened, I laughed and walked, I thought and I prayed, I slept and I swam.... and every time guilt reared it's ugly head I told it to take a hike because I was doing exactly what I needed to do at the moment. I refused to let guilt in and make itself comfortable. I refused to play it's game and allow it to entertain my mind with all of the shoulds and coulds and maybes that it likes to throw around and taunt me with, that tell me that I could be better than what I am.

And now, now I'm at home. I'm exactly where I am in my recovery journey and I don't feel guilty about taking time to myself. I'm refreshed and recharged and ready for the next battle, the next steps that I am going to take, and the next things I'm going to learn. I'm ready to fight again, to show guilt and anger and depression and mania who I am inside... I'm ready to show them hope, and love, and steadiness, and perseverance because I refused to let guilt in; because I took care of myself. It wasn't easy, but the battle was won this time - one day at a time. 

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Different, Isolated, Unique

Glancing around the room I felt a little lost. My house hasn’t changed – my things are all pretty much where I’ve left them, but it feels different. I feel different.

I was in the hospital for a week this time. Unfortunately as much as I tried to avoid it, and as much as I used every method and every skill I knew to keep myself level, depression still managed to sneak in. I wasn’t in a good place and while I didn’t want to go (and even fought it); in the end I forced myself to give in and let myself be taken in as I began to reach the crisis point.

Coloring I Did While in the Psych Ward

Two days in lockdown (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) for assessment and then 5 days in the open unit for medication adjustment, sleep patterns, and re-stabilising. It wasn’t the longest stay I’ve ever had. There was nothing spectacular about my stay. I’ve come out and while I’m still not to one-hundred percent, I’m still much better than I was when I went in. However it doesn’t mean that things feel the same as they did before. I feel different and isolated. It’s a kind of feeling I can’t explain very well to someone who hasn’t been there and experienced it.  It’s the feeling of going from the isolation of a psychiatric unit to regaining your freedom and independence.  It’s the feeling that for you, while you were recovering from an invisible but terrifying illness, the world stopped – and yet it didn’t. It’s the feeling that you are different from the rest of the world, that you can understand once again what makes you act oddly… sometimes not making sense to yourself. It’s knowing that you have this thing, this unseen illness that you will always carry with you, that people may know about but assume is better simply because now you’re out of that uncomfortable unit in the hospital. It’s feeling like you aren’t a part of the same world as everyone else because you feel, react to, and experience life uniquely.

The thing about all of that above though, is that it isn’t necessary. I don’t have to feel that way. I am unique… but so are you. Everyone has a story and just because mine involves the way that my brain works, it doesn’t make me abnormal. It doesn’t make me any less important or worthy or strong than anyone else. I can let it feel different. I can choose to isolate myself because of what I go through on a daily basis, the exhaustion that it causes to deal with my illness at times, and the fact that the stigma surrounding it all is still so huge; or I can be brave. I can embrace my differences and while I am learning to deal with it and recover, I can talk about it. I can write about it and stop hiding it. I can live without shame, or guilt, or embarrassment and I can be who I am without feeling the need to be accepted.

So right now I’m home. But last week I wasn’t. I was in the hospital. And this week, I’m taking care of myself – I’m still adjusting to the change in medications and I’m getting my routine back in check, making sure that I maintain my diet and exercise patterns and overall just take care of myself. I will not be ashamed and I will not hide what has happened or the fact that I sometimes need a little help. I will help end the stigma against mental illness. I will maintain my hope, I will be honest – with my supporters and with myself, and I will continue my recovery journey with the support and encouragement of my friends and my family. I will maintain my hope.

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Thoughts From the Psych Ward

Humiliation. Shame. Failure. Fear. Anger. Self-loathing...

Stop.

I know how I want to feel right now... I know how I think I should feel. My mind says I'm a fraud and that I have taken 10 steps backwards after only a single shaky step forward.

How else do you explain the backslide into depression, the disturbed sleep cycles and routine turned to chaos, and the suicidal threats that landed me back in the Psych ward 3 days ago? It's the  same thoughts and the same stigma that tell me I'm a loser, I'll never  be normal, and I'm nobody... Just simply mentally ill.

But those thoughts only see what they want to see. They don't take into account the fact that I'm here because being here and alive is better than risking my safety and my heartbeat doing something stupid. It doesn't take into account the co-operation and the will to re-stabilise that I have had to find. It doesn't take into account the sheer exhaustion and the simple need to rest (with a little help to make it happen). It doesn't take into account the lifelong battle I've been involved in and the fact that even though I wanted to quit... I haven't. Part of me wanted to die... But I let help get to me, fighting an inner war the entire time.

So even though I'm currently sitting in a hospital room, waiting on doctors and sleep and new meds to level me out; I will not feel ashamed or embarrassed or unworthy. I will feel strength from those who love me, determination to win this battle, and hope for a better tomorrow... One day - one moment - at a time.

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