Recovery Journey? What Does That Look Like?

My recovery journey.

I’ve talked a lot about my journey through recovering from Mental Illness, my growth and change as I have learned how to accept and live with the duel diagnosis (Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)), as well as living emotionally sensitive and suffering bouts of severe anxiety. It's something that I think about and mention regularly and that I have seen dozens of meme's floating around and talking about as well. But what does it mean to recover from mental illness? Does it mean that I will eventually live medication free, without the worry of setbacks and failure, with a normal range emotions that never go too haywire and the ability to handle anything that life throws at me gracefully and with an abundance of peace, joy and patience?

No. Definitely not. I mean, I guess it could happen... but I can't afford to look at it that way, to place all of my expectations on one immoveable goal. 

You see, when I started this journey, I really didn’t know what I was after myself… I didn’t know what it would mean or if recovery was even truly possible – the doctors that I spoke to sure didn’t believe it was a realistic goal.

However, the doctors and the other counselors and peers that I spoke to didn’t look at it in the same way that I do, they didn’t always see the same things that I did.

Because the way I see it, recovery isn’t always a cure, a fix or an immediate resolution.

Recovery for me has been about redefining who I always thought I was and who I really am. It’s about taking a hard look at myself and figuring out what parts of my life have been ruled by my illness, what parts were lousy situations, and what parts were truly just me. It was about seeing the parts of me that I didn’t want to see… seeing them and accepting them – the things I have done or said or believed in the past – and realising that I was at times, a mess… an oftentimes out-of-control crazy whirlwind of ups, downs and absolute chaos. It was a series of bitter pills that I had to swallow to realise that I had not always been the nicest person, the most level thinker, and sometimes just nasty. I destroyed friendships and family bonds. I was unpredictable and unable to find control. I was quite simply a storm that could hit at any time and move in any direction.

But the good news is; once I realised all of the horrible stuff about myself and accepted that I had made mistakes and that I had an illness that did control a lot of areas of my life for many years – I was also able to move forward. I was able to make the first positive decisions of my life, move myself in the direction that I wanted to head and embrace the rest of who I was. Because you see… all that bad stuff, it wasn’t the whole of me. There was so much good that always seemed hidden because of the unpredictability. I began to make lists in my journal when I found something positive about myself – I realised that I’m passionate… about life, about relationships and about hobbies. I give myself fully to any project I’m involved in and know that I will go above and beyond to do my very best. I love with all of my heart; my family, my friends… even those I have alienated in the past with my behavior, and some of those relationships have even been repairable even though I thought I had destroyed them. I’m creative. The times I am most at peace are when I’m crafting something or taking photographs, baking in the kitchen or writing a book. Most of all I realised (and eventually came to accept) that I am a good person. It was something that I believed for the longest time that wasn’t true… I thought I was a horrible person, flawed at the deepest level and unable to fit in and function normally within society. But as I peeled back the layers I realised that there is good in me, it just sometimes gets mixed up in the chaos that used to surround me.

Of course there are so many aspects to my recovery journey – self-discovery is the biggest aspect, but for me another huge aspect was learning to live a healthier life in general. I’ve read and researched and googled all different “health tips” and spoken to friends and family who have tried this or tried that to live healthier in one way or another. I’m still discovering my ideal healthy lifestyle, but I do know that the drastic changes I have been able to make (eating, exercising, routine (sleep), meditation, medication and therapy, and personal environmental awareness) have been amazing factors that have helped me both feel and look better, physically and mentally.

But again, as I said in my last post – while I am much better than a year ago, I know I will still struggle for some time. And that’s okay too. Right now I’m going through a particularly challenging time. There have been setbacks and I have spent time crying and experiencing a wide range of emotions, trying to assess myself to make sure that I’m still in a good place, making sure I can hold it all together. But while I know it’s a struggle and I know that there might be even tougher times in the near future… I also know that because of my journey and the things I have learned and changed within myself, I can handle it. Whether it’s through picking up extra counselling sessions or adding in another group, changing or adding new medications; whether it’s a few extra coffee dates with friends, taking a weekend away or simply spending time revisiting my old “cheat notes” every once in a while, I know that I am in a much better place to handle anything that might come my way. And really, that’s what recovery is to me. Being able to handle whatever comes up next (whether it’s alone, or with support) in a healthier way, and being able to understand and recognise what is happening and why.

This hasn't always been the easiest thing to recover from... and I haven't done it alone - sometimes it was too much for me to handle and I needed encouragement from all around, people to help me sort out the different areas of my life - to dig through and pull out the good, the bad, and the weird. I needed to talk things through and learn to be open and honest. I needed to learn entirely new ways to experience the emotions that I felt, and how to properly act (or stop myself from acting!) on them. I had to relearn self-control and self-soothing like a small child, and I often felt like everyone was trying to change the core of who I was. But it wasn't the core of me that I needed to change... I just needed a way to accept and process who I was, to figure out what my brain was acting on and trying to say when it was going haywire. It was therapy and guidance, communication and support, trial and error, journalling and writing, facing stigma and fighting with doctors, it has been love and experience that has helped me get to this place in my journey. 

It isn’t an easy process. It isn’t a cure. But it is one step towards my goal, one day at a time, one trigger or incident at a time. It is hopeful. That is what my journey is... finding my future, finding out what I need to become the best me possible and learning how to achieve that with the way that my brain and emotions function. Find out what your journey involves and take the first step. Reach out and ask for help. It is worth it!