Doing Well - Living Life with Mental Health

Recently I’ve been left with a lot of time on my hands to question things - to do some reflection and determine where I’ve come from and where I’m heading. It’s something that I’ve done more often in the previous several months and for me, it’s a good thing. I need that. I need those reminders of where I’ve been – how bad it has been at times and how good the possibilities actually are.

A reminder from hospital, made during therapy.

Some days I also feel like a fraud. I’m here writing (and talking in real life) about how well I’m doing, how under control my moods are – how level I’ve been – and how well I’m managing the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms… and really, I’m speaking and writing the truth. I am doing well. But it isn’t without struggle – something that I’m not always able to properly articulate in my blog posts because the fighting and the worry and the constant watching is all under the surface. It’s in the reminders that I have around the house, the conversations with myself debating whether or not I have a legitimate reason to be upset or happy or energetic. It’s in the everyday fight to maintain the good things that I took time and effort to set up – everything from routine to what/how/when I eat. It’s in the battle of my mind that still wants to creep up from time to time and tell me that I’m worthless, that wants to stop me from reaching out when I need support, and that worries endlessly that I will slip up – that I’m not doing enough, that it will never be enough to stay healthy and on track.

The beginning. I needed reminders to get out of bed.

At times it can be utterly and completely exhausting to keep up with myself, to stop and slow down racing thoughts and to force myself to remain in constant sleep patterns when I feel my mood start to go up. It’s more than a little tiring to force myself to get up in the mornings and get dressed when I feel like a cloud of depression is pushing me down, and some days it feels impossible to keep moving forward when all I want to do is lay down and sleep. And then when my energy is already depleted, to have to force myself to be open, to want to build relationships and stop pushing people away; to bite my tongue and not react viciously when the anger begins to build can almost be too much. And occasionally I slip. I fail. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect I will ever be.

But I can learn to cope, to take those moments of trial and use them to find things that work, to practice on building the skills I have learned and to be authentic with the people in my life.

A reminder of my last stay in the hospital, a painting I did in therapy.

I’m not a fraud. I am doing well. It has taken me many years of half-effort and lack of understanding to get me here. It has taken suicide attempts and hospital stays, psychiatrist appointments and support groups to help me understand. Mental illness is not something you can deal with alone and although it took a lot of ‘wrongs’ to get me to where I am, I’m glad I’m finally here, in the place that I can acknowledge it all.

Mental illness doesn’t have to be my weakness. It is one of the many things in my life that has made me stronger and more resilient. I have become more determined to change my life and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – doctors, medications, support groups, supportive family/friends, research, talking, writing, self-discovery and self-care. My journey isn’t pretty. It isn’t filled with a doctor that took the time to counsel all of the reasons why I am this way, a single medication that has fixed my life and made everything look like roses. It has been filled with tears and fights and denial and ugly truths and hard lessons. It has been filled with days when I wasn’t sure I could go on, when recovery and happiness seemed completely impossible but I pushed ahead anyways. It didn’t always seem like it, but I know that it has been worth it. It sometimes seems so dark that you know that you will never escape, but I promise there is hope. If you are struggling, find help – reach out, call a friend or a hotline, dig your heels in and try just a little harder and you will find the light. It is there, just around the corner. Life is always worth it, even when you can’t see your happy ending. 

One of my reminders, (semi-colon tattoo) because my story isn't over yet. 

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Will They Stay or Will They Go?

Fear of abandonment and constant feelings of rejection. For me this has always been (just one of) my key identifying factors for the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis. It might sound silly and you might want to say ‘that’s life, get over it’, but it isn’t that simple. It is a paralysing fear, a complete lack of self-worth and self-love, and the constant feeling that at any moment those you care most about will stand up and walk away from you.

And so, to avoid the inevitable rejection that you know will come (because everyone will leave you eventually), you instead push people away. You build relationships but never really let others in. You try to be social and fit in with the rest of society, but you can’t quite feel like you are a part of the bigger picture. So you back away or hurt someone or instead smother them or you become insanely jealous of any other relationships that they may have outside of you. You know logically that you are being ridiculous but you can’t help but to constantly doubt and wonder and question every relationship in your life – the feelings, the thoughts and the people that you want to love and care about. You wear a mask and you pretend that you’re fine and that you can handle anything – you can be happy and mean and jealous and productive and competitive and shallow and friendly and angry… you can be anything as long as you are stopping yourself from the eventual rejection and hurt that always happens. You can’t believe that anyone really like you, despite the many ways they might tell or show you. And so, the pressure is on for those in your life and like anyone would, eventually they crack and you fight and they disappear – proving in the end that everything you believed was right. You don’t realise that it is often times your own doing.

And so, it’s something I’ve had to work on. I’ve had to learn to let people in… to take off my mask and build true friendships and deeper relationships. I’ve had to go back and re-build connections that I had destroyed with my distorted black and white thinking, and hot and cold personality. I’ve had to take a long and honest look at who I am and who I’ve been… the things I have said and done throughout my life that have pushed even those that truly cared, away from me. I have had to learn to fight the negative self-talk and build up my own self-worth… I’ve had to actually begin to like myself and who I am.

Most importantly I’ve had to learn one other thing… and I don’t really like it as it is leaving a sour taste in my mouth and my heart: People will leave you. People will fade away and relationships will change and shift with time and effort and schedules and life. People will also stay. Those that matter and that you love… those connections that you take the time to nurture and treat right will often (not always) stay. That is a part of what life involves, growing and changing and learning – sometimes friendships grow and change with us and sometimes it is better to let them grow their own way while you work on yourself.

The funny thing is, that recently while I have evaluated the many relationships in my life – I have most often come to the conclusion that I had done something wrong, something that caused the inevitable fissure in the relationship… and a few honest people in my life were open about the ways I had hurt them or the things I had done. But what I have found out through this year of recovery and growth is that even when I’m ‘well’, even when things are going ‘right’ and I am personally invested in building or rebuilding a relationship, people will still leave or close you out. Even those relationships that you believe are worth fighting for, that you want more than any other and are willing to sacrifice so much for, can be felt as one-sided, the other person still choosing to exit.

And that is not my fault. That is not reflective of my self-worth or who I am as a person. That is on the other person and there is nothing that you can do but let them go, continue to love them if you choose (sometimes people are still intertwined in your life, despite not wanting a close relationship) and keep on growing and becoming a better person for yourself.

Relationships will come and go in life. Fight for the ones you want to keep, learn and grow and change as needed for yourself – not for anyone else, and accept that some people will not want you in their life; some people will be unhappy despite the person you have or will become. And most of all, remember that you are loved… it might not feel like it, and you might not recognise it sitting right in front of you, but someone in your life does love you. Accept it, nurture it, and build on it. Work to fix those relationships that are worth it, and let go of the ones that aren't - it might hurt and that's okay, but don't let it paralyse you or set you back. Keep your eyes open because connections can be found in the oddest of places and most important: learn to love yourself first. 

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New Year's Hope

December 29^th 2014 – I began writing about the day I nearly jumped off of a waterfall and my experiences with Mental Health. I didn’t know what direction I would take the writing and I didn’t know if I was even going to share it with anyone, let alone open it up for the world to see.  But I did. And here I am, still going.

As New Year’s Eve approaches I can’t help but to look back at the events of the past year (and a bit) and to see how far I’ve come. Last year I was still a bit of a wreck, still digging and fighting and trying to decide how much effort I truly wanted to put into becoming stable and improving upon the quality of my life. At this time last year there would still be another hospital visit or two to come and I would still have suicidal thoughts while my depression was still prevalent – despite the medication and the therapy I was beginning. 

I didn’t know how my journey through the battlefield of Mental Illness would end. I didn’t understand the depth of how intertwined it had been within every aspect of my adult life (and most of my teenage years as well). I didn’t know where to start to fix myself or if I was even worth fixing. I didn't even know if I could change. 

Research. Therapy. Support Groups. Medications. People. Through an assortment of these things in my life I began to unravel the years of twisted thinking and uncontrollable moods… and at some point during my journey I realised that it was no longer an option to stay the same. I made a decision and I began the long process of self-discovery, repair, and trial and error to begin to change.

It hasn’t been easy. Life hasn’t gone the way I expected it to during this time… in fact, some areas of my life have become more challenging than I thought they would once I began to do the work and become a different me.

I’m not finished changing. I’m not finished growing and learning and overcoming. It took me most of my life to get to the place that I was at… I’m not going to be able to fix things in less than a year… and some things might take the rest of my life to keep working on. But I will keep working on them. Because it is amazing to see how much you can change yourself, how much it is worth it, how much hope there is for a better tomorrow. 

This year I won't be making a New Year's resolution. There is no need for that as I continue on this journey of self-improvement and self-discovery. I have found my hope. I have found my determination and I have found the path I want to take in this life.

So from me to you, Happy New Year!

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Big Trigger, Little Trigger

Financial hardship, marital problems, loss of a loved one, addiction, bullying, health issues, and big unexpected changes are all things that can knock a person with good mental health down and make them feel low, contributing to situational depression. But if you take those same stressful situations and place someone who is already struggling or prone to mental health issues in that position it can lead to immediate relapse and unpredictable behaviour, with disastrous outcomes.

It’s a frustrating and vicious cycle when a person becomes stable and is living life in a somewhat normal capacity, and then boom; something happens that pulls all control away from them, sending them spiraling back into chaos. It’s no wonder that this is the one theme that has come up in every book I’ve read, every therapist I’ve seen and every group I’ve attended – how to cope with major triggers and how to avoid repeating the pattern. Unfortunately there isn’t a simple answer to this, or a single one-size fits all action plan to use when things come up. It’s trial and it’s error, it’s finding what works to keep you grounded, in that moment.

The more I work on myself, the more I’m learning what does and doesn’t work. But it also takes constant practice. Small triggers are everywhere… a couple examples from my life include going new places, big social gatherings, arriving late, or even sleep disturbances. It’s through these small triggers though that I practice regularly dealing with the onslaught of emotions that can come up at any time, and spin me in any direction, preparing me for those times that the big things might come up.

Again, if only it were that simple.

Last week a big event happened within my life. It brought with it the usual feelings of instability, crazy mood swings and at times feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to cope appropriately. It was a struggle to say the least, but I managed.

I took a day of self-care. It involved a sick call to work for a single shift, and forced movement around the house during that day. It involved talking to support people and venting frustrations in a healthy way. It involved constant focusing to what was happening in my life – experiencing it and letting it go as best as I could. It involved a range of emotions and agreements to go to the hospital if at any time I felt I wouldn’t be able to continue coping on my own. It involved using my “wellness toolbox” – doing things for myself that bring about a positive emotion – to keep me grounded, switching it up when one thing couldn’t hold my attention for long. It involved me keeping to the routine, diet and exercise habits I have established this year, despite my body trying to do otherwise.

It wasn’t a perfect experience. It was incredibly hard and at times I have slipped up, my emotions have gotten the better of me. But overall I was able to deal with the trigger in a healthy way… something that enabled me to sort out what happened in my head, allowed me time to get to a better place.

I wish I could say I would never fall back into my old ways of dealing with things – but to be honest, it could happen. This time it didn’t. Triggers will always be a part of my life; Everybody has them, it’s just more difficult for those of us already dealing with mental health. It has taken time, patience, failures, and incredibly hard work to get to this place I’m at right now. The place of acceptance and the fact that I might always have more of a struggle with everyday ups and downs in life than the average person, but I’m also at the place where I work hard daily to identify and plan for those very situations. Where I can now see it coming and take steps to recognise it before it disables me completely. It’s constant, it’s so much work that some days I just want to stop and let my mood and my mind take over and do what they want. And then I look back to how far I’ve come and how much my quality of life has improved.

It isn’t easy. There might be setbacks and that’s okay. But it’s most definitely worth it. There is hope for a better life, a better future. 

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Parenting with Mental Illness

Back in the summer I wrote about how mental illness has affected my relationships - most notably my marriage and other adult-based relationships in my life. From the time that I was a young teen I can look back now and see all of the ways that anxiety, depression, mania, and anger have affected my life; see the very real struggle that relationships have always been for me. It's easy to look back and feel the regret, to see the mistakes I made and the way my thinking was often distorted throughout my life; but I also see the changes I've made and the new (healthier) relationships I am finally beginning to build.

And then I look at some of the most important people in my life; my children.

Two weeks ago I was in the car with my kids. We were on our way home from somewhere and as we drove through town looking at the Christmas lights up everywhere, my 9 year old daughter brought up a night from the previous year - something that my husband had done with them while I was in the hospital. As I listened to her story, my older (12 year old) son interrupted her, reminding her that I wasn't with them and that I was in the hospital. Now he didn't say it sadly or angrily, he didn't seem as though it was something that bothered him - he simply stated a fact. I wasn't there because I was in the hospital. However my daughter stopped her story at this point, becoming very quiet for a minute before she blurted out to me: "I was really scared when you were in the hospital, I didn't know what was wrong and I thought you were going to die." Her statement to me really hit home at that point. She didn't know what had happened to land me in the hospital - we had talked to the kids about me being there and they had an age-appropriate reason given to them that explained a little about sadness (depression) and how the hospital can sometimes help people to feel better for all kinds of illnesses. But when she told me that she thought I was going to die, it threw me off because realistically she was much closer to the truth than I was comfortable with; realistically at the time I was in the hospital it was because I wanted to die.

How do you explain mental illness to a child? Sure, there are ways to do it. Things that you can say to give them an idea of why someone is in the hospital, why they have walked away from the family for a few days or weeks or months. There are things that can be explained in a simplistic way that hopefully they might grasp onto and not question further. But when happens when those children are teens or tweens who see tweets and posts about depression and suicide on social media and put two and two together? What happens when children of any age live with a parent with mental illness that is untreated/mistreated for so many years of their lives?

I don't have all of the answers right now but it is something I have thought about quite a bit. Because my children have been there. I have been the parent who was up and down, depressed and manic, angry and impatient, uninvolved and sometimes even disappearing. I have been inconsistent and unaware, I have gone from fun and loving and caring to frustrated and distant and unpredictable.

I don't have all of the answers. But the one thing I can say is that we (my husband and I) are honest with the kids... we are open about our mistakes and we apologise for our imperfections. We keep explanations appropriate to their ages and their levels and we let them see that we are only human, that we take steps to correct inappropriate actions. We also let them come to us - when they are hurting or confused or angry. We keep the lines of communication open and we try and see things through their eyes... even when we don't want to. I also am focusing time on my relationships with them. I don't want to be that parent - the crazy one that the kids end up in therapy for years over because of the pain they cause. The one that they won't call or speak to or visit because of their childhood - because their mother was not at her best and refused to get help. And it doesn't have to be that way.

I know my children love me - and we have many amazing memories as a family, of adventure and celebrating and life. But there are also dark shadows that I know still pop up, still taint some of their memories. The relationship between myself (a parent) living with/recovering from mental illness and my children is complex and while I know I can't change the past, I can change the future. I can continue to do what I'm doing - stay stable, seek help, build new memories, and strengthen our relationship. I can show them how hard work and dedication can be necessary but worth it... I can teach them about mental illness and what to look for, how to handle it if they encounter it in their own lives eventually. I can be strong and I can fight for them, for the rest of their childhood and for our relationship.

Parenting with mental illness does not have to destroy the family or ruin their childhoods. I won't let it. There is hope, and my four kids are worth the fight.

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