Finding My Voice

Every morning I look in the mirror. What I see is no surprise. I see a woman – a mom, a wife, a person. I don’t see a disease, a label or the stigma associated with my illness. I’m just an ordinary girl.

To those who know me, my illness is no surprise. I don’t usually go announcing it to every person that I come into contact with, but if it comes up in conversation – there is no secret. I will talk about the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I will share events that have happened in my life with others if it’s relevant or if I believe it will help in some way. In most cases I don’t mind telling people.

And yet… there is still a part of me that is hesitant to let people in, to let them see my labels, my weakness. Even here, I write this blog and I don’t share it with friends and family because I’m terrified that it’s all they will see. I don’t want the diagnosis to become my name, my identifying feature. I don’t want to experience more of the stigma that surrounds a person with a mental illness and separates us from the rest of the so-called ‘normal’ world.

And yet… I wonder. I wonder why I can’t be as open about it, wear it proudly like a badge of honor – look what I have survived, what I face every day. I wonder why it’s still such a stigma. Why those who suffer with mental illness are still shunned and silenced. Nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to hear about it.

But I do want to talk about it. And I do want to hear about it from others.

I want people to know that the struggle is real. That those big one-time events or breakdowns are not isolated incidents, not shameful failings by a person to keep it all together. They are only a small part of the daily pain, ups, downs, and general struggle that some of us live with. I believe that I need to start speaking out, that a part of my own healing will come from letting everyone in, from finding my voice and not being afraid to use it.

And so here I am, and for the first time I’m going to share this blog, this post and let the world in and although it’s terrifying… it’s also freeing.