Unmasked

Right now, in the present moment I feel naked and I feel vulnerable.

All through out the various stages of my life and specifically during my time with mental illness I have had a safety net of sorts - walls that I built up to keep people out, a mask that I wore so that nobody ever saw the real me. 

It was my comfort. 

It helped me function. 

As long as I was wearing my mask I was a normal, happy, healthy woman. I was a mom of four, a devoted spouse, a hard worker, a creative mind. Throughout the years my mask occasionally slipped up and revealed parts of myself to others through angry outbursts, isolated behaviour, or sudden decisions. Only during those times where my mask slipped would my illness spill out, let those around me know that something wasn't quite right. Fortunately it was usually easy to excuse... whether or not those close to me ever believed the act is a whole other question. 

Last November though, my mask fell off. Like the lid not tightly screwed on a bottle of Soda that has been shaken, my mood suddenly and violently came through and I made some drastic decisions. No longer able to handle it all, I attempted to end my life. 

Since then, the mask has all but disappeared. 

And it's an uncomfortable feeling.

For the first time in a long time, the real me is showing through. I'm struggling immensely with this because the mask had not only hidden me, it had become me. Now, in the months that follow I'm trying to rediscover who I am aside from my illness, who I want to become. But beyond that, everyone else now sees the mess that I've always been inside. Family and friends now know the struggles that I have been dealing with for years, the intense emotions and the mood swings have been revealed and although my family and friends have been nothing but supportive, it is one of the scariest things I have had to face. 

Walking back into my workplace. Walking back into my church. Walking into family functions. 

I feel like all eyes are on me, everyone knows the truth that I tried so hard to keep hidden for years. 

A day at a time I'm getting better, but some days are just harder than others. Some days I want desperately to put the mask back up and become what I was before that day in November. I want to pretend that everything is okay and that I have it all together. 

But I don't. It's time to face the truth.

It's not for those people who are finally seeing it though. It's for me. I need to rediscover myself if I'm going to continue fighting this disease. I need to find out who I truly am and hang on to that because I know first hand how easily things can fall apart again. 

I'm the only one who CAN fight it. So I'm slowly letting go, seeing the mask as it flutters from my body and drops into oblivion because I can't afford to put it back on or I might never win this battle.