Getting Back to Normal - Self Care

For the past two-three weeks, if you asked either myself or my husband how I'm doing we would probably tell you that I'm doing okay. And that is the simple, least complex way to describe it. Okay.
The more complex version is a little more like this:
I'm feel like I'm in a tough spot right now... perhaps even a little bit tougher than when I'm not doing well at all.
To begin with, my mood has come up quite a bit. I'm not manic, nor am I in the darkest pits of depression that I was in... most days my mood is actually fairly level right now. Here's where things get tricky though because while my mood itself is level, it comes with a whole new set of problems.
First of all, there are the nightmares. This is nothing new to me, because I generally have a lot of nightmares... but now that I'm a little more level I tend to remember, care and analyze them a little bit more. It's also frustrating when I feel level through the day, but my nightmares remind me of where I have recently been. It's incredibly difficult when they play on repeat the scene from the waterfall and I wake up in sweats because of what almost happened, or the nausea that hits after I face myself and the choice of suicide methods. The difference between now and a few weeks ago? Now I can let them go throughout the day and while they bother me, its more of a grief, a sense of what could have happened. When I was in the pits of depression they were welcome fantasies.
The second thing that I'm finding tough is the awareness. When I'm manic or depressed or in the midst of a BPD rage, things tend to get hazy. My reality becomes skewed and there are times that I can't see how or why the things that I say or do are not right. In the depression and rage I tend to be in survival mode and the only things that make sense are the things that I do that I think protect myself - even if they don't. Now that I'm 'back' I'm much more alert and although I try not to dwell in the past, I can now see the things that I did or that I said that hurt both myself and those people closest to me. With that knowledge comes a slight sense of guilt because even though I know it was out of my control at the time, it was still me that did it. It's nearly impossible to separate the 'normal' me from the 'sick' me.
Today was a particularly rough day.
I woke up feeling normal, smiling and going about my day as usual, keeping up my daily routine (a huge part of what helps me remain level!). Then I picked up a book that my husband is currently reading on Borderline Personality Disorder and flipped through it for a few minutes. The problem was that I started seeing all of these traits of BPD and comparing them to myself in recent months. It was a definite trigger for me, bringing my mood down and convincing me that I am a horrible person because of the things I have said/done during my episodes.
Thankfully some of the work I've done has paid off and after a brief cry and chat with my husband I was able to take a deep breath and put things into perspective - something huge for someone with this disorder - and it didn't spiral out of my control. Something else I've learned though is that during recovery, self care is vital. Although my symptoms are decreasing, I'm still not at 100%... I don't know if I ever will be perfectly 'normal'. But I know that on the road to a stable life I may have setbacks and I might have a hard time adjusting to being level, to being aware and awake. So today I've decided to take a few hours this afternoon to devote to my well-being, to bring myself back up by doing things that I enjoy doing. I've watched a favorite movie. I've had a large cup of tea. I spent time going through pictures of my children.
I've typed out this blog post. I've talked about the difficult feelings I had.
I'm not back to my normal yet. But I'm getting there. Step by step, day by day, with a little self-care in the mix.