New Year's Hope

December 29th 2014 – I began writing about the day I nearly jumped off of a waterfall and my experiences with Mental Health. I didn’t know what direction I would take the writing and I didn’t know if I was even going to share it with anyone, let alone open it up for the world to see.  But I did. And here I am, still going. As New Year’s Eve approaches I can’t help but to look back at the events of the past year (and a bit) and to see how far I’ve come. Last year I was still a bit of a...

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Big Trigger, Little Trigger

Financial hardship, marital problems, loss of a loved one, addiction, bullying, health issues, and big unexpected changes are all things that can knock a person with good mental health down and make them feel low, contributing to situational depression. But if you take those same stressful situations and place someone who is already struggling or prone to mental health issues in that position it can lead to immediate relapse and unpredictable behaviour, with disastrous outcomes. It’s a frustrating...

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Parenting with Mental Illness

Back in the summer I wrote about how mental illness has affected my relationships - most notably my marriage and other adult-based relationships in my life. From the time that I was a young teen I can look back now and see all of the ways that anxiety, depression, mania, and anger have affected my life; see the very real struggle that relationships have always been for me. It's easy to look back and feel the regret, to see the mistakes I made and the way my thinking was often distorted throughout...

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Silently Fighting

I haven’t had the chance to sit down and write that much lately with how busy things have been. It’s been a bit of a crazy month, but I’m managing and I’m doing well. It’s easy for me to sit here and write about how I’m doing, how I’m fighting to stay level and am neither depressed nor manic, I’m not angry nor irrational. There’s so much that I want to write about, so much that I would love the world to understand about living with Mental Illness, but I have to confess; it can be exhausting...

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Undone - One Step Backwards

“Bills, money, cars, repairs, house, home, kids, Halloween, Christmas, stop it, leaves, cold, work, second job, hair, getting out, working out, be quiet, eating, groceries, tired, not allowed to sleep, keep going, don’t stop, laundry, dishes, homework, snow, tires, shut up, doctor, dentist, get moving, too much to do…, I said stop it, get control, hospital, manic, depressed, mood stabilisers, anti-depressants, side effects, police, suicide…” The thoughts were racing through my head, swirling...

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Journey to the Cliff

A couple of months ago I was sitting in a therapy group with a bunch of people with assorted diagnoses. It was during a break, a few minutes where we could grab water or use the facilities that somehow the casual conversation turned serious and one of the group members spoke up, ‘I don’t understand how anyone could get to the point of suicide, how they can get that low and depressed that suicide becomes their only option.’ I didn’t speak up. Nobody did. There was a room full of people who had all...

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Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter. It’s an excellent mantra for when you need to get through certain aspects of life, lift your spirits or convince yourself that something is or isn’t right. But for me, it’s more than that and it’s one of those phrases that can even be dangerous when taken out of context. It’s not a secret that I sometimes wish that I was ‘normal’. That I didn’t suffer with uncontrollable mood swings riddled with extreme highs and scary lows, or a personality disorder that can make me turn...

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Hope and Life and Thanksgiving

This weekend was Thanksgiving weekend up here in Canada; a time when most families will gather together, eat turkey and stuffing and veggies and potatoes, tell each other what they are thankful for, and simply enjoy being in the presence of friends and family. This year though, our family celebrated the holiday a little differently than we usually would. Instead of gathering all together and in one place - we were spread out. There was a high-school football game, a casual dinner, a cozy meal at...

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Fighting Stigma - Among Professionals

Hospital. Lock Down. Acute Care Facility. Psychiatrist. Social Worker. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Counselor. Peer Support. Groups. WRAP. Community Support. Family Physician. Medications. Mood Stabilizers. Anti-Depressants. Anti-Psychotics. Mental Health. Stigma. It’s difficult to describe how much time someone with a Mental Health condition spends in a constant battle, trying to remain stable while at the same time navigating the system and the...

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You Call Yourself a Christian - So Where's God in All This?

This post is a little different than what I usually write about, usually preferring to keep the religious aspect of my posts to a minimum for my own comfort. However, this is one I've been thinking about for a while and I felt it was important as it was a step in my own personal journey.  God. Religion. Faith. If you pray hard enough and keep believing - God will heal you. I've heard it thousands of times, I've seen the people who have been healed, and I've seen the people who haven't. I've...

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A Future Worth Living For

Today (September 22) marks my birthday and for the first time in my adult life, I'm actually excited about what this year will bring me. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I have a quality of life that is making the future worth living. I don't want to make generalisations or assumptions about others who suffer with mental illness - either diagnosed or not yet diagnosed - but I know for me, the future has never felt exciting. I think for me, it began as a teenager... around the time...

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If You're Happy And You Know It... You Could Be Manic

Me: Talking about the great day I had. Other Person: "Are you all right?" Me: Yeah, why? Other Person: "Nothing... you just seem a little... happy..." I had a good day. In fact I had a good weekend, a good week, and overall a good month. Things are good, and I'm stable and I'm happy. I have made significant changes in my life with nutrition and exercise, and I have been following through with counselling and care and working towards a better mental well-being. Over all, I'm different. I'm...

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The Truth

The truth is: I'm just a girl. The truth is: I struggle with Mental Illness. The truth is: I'm fighting back. The truth is: I'm not alone. It's absolutely amazing what the mind can convince you of. Once I let my mind convince me that I wasn't worth it, that I was just a nobody who was undeserving of love and compassion and understanding. I was in the darkness and couldn't see the light... not only that, but I didn't even believe there was a light.  Some of the things that I am learning...

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World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I've been thinking about what I would write all week and about the words that I could use to inspire someone to reach out and to save a life. But I don't have anything like that, I don't know if I am in a position where I can give that sort of advice. What I can do though, is be open and transparent. I can tell you that I have been on the verge of suicide and I have been to the place that is so dark, it feels like there is no way out, except to end it all....

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It's Not Impossible

Some days, you just aren’t normal. You aren’t capable of reacting to things in the way that you are learning that you should. It isn’t a case of not wanting to, but of your brain being hard-wired in a way that you know isn’t quite right, but being unable to fight the thoughts that surface during those times. It’s having thoughts, and thoughts becoming feelings and feelings becoming actions. Things that spiral out of control and keep you locked up in your own mind: irrationally, stupidly, and...

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Small Things

(Small stones can appear much larger based on the lens they are viewed from.) ** Knock off the tears. ** Stop crying. ** Why are you over-reacting? ** What's the issue? ** Stop being so dramatic. ** It's not that big a deal! It seems innocent enough to say one of the above phrases, and most of the time I'm sure that nobody would think twice about using one or all of them - especially if the person standing in front of you was reacting in a way that seemed ridiculous in comparison to the...

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Vicious - How BPD Affected My Relationships

I hate you. I hate this. I want to die, I'm going to kill myself and I hope you're the one to find my body. - I said these very words once, not that long ago. I grew up with the mantra, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.' but as I've gotten older, and thrown many words around myself... I realise just how untrue that saying is, especially when it comes to those around me that I love. My husband - we met when we were only fifteen and began dating. When he was...

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