Recovery Journey? What Does That Look Like?

My recovery journey.

I’ve talked a lot about my journey through recovering from Mental Illness, my growth and change as I have learned how to accept and live with the duel diagnosis (Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)), as well as living emotionally sensitive and suffering bouts of severe anxiety. It's something that I think about and mention regularly and that I have seen dozens of meme's floating around and talking about as well. But what does it mean to recover from mental illness? Does it mean that I will eventually live medication free, without the worry of setbacks and failure, with a normal range emotions that never go too haywire and the ability to handle anything that life throws at me gracefully and with an abundance of peace, joy and patience?

No. Definitely not. I mean, I guess it could happen... but I can't afford to look at it that way, to place all of my expectations on one immoveable goal. 

You see, when I started this journey, I really didn’t know what I was after myself… I didn’t know what it would mean or if recovery was even truly possible – the doctors that I spoke to sure didn’t believe it was a realistic goal.

However, the doctors and the other counselors and peers that I spoke to didn’t look at it in the same way that I do, they didn’t always see the same things that I did.

Because the way I see it, recovery isn’t always a cure, a fix or an immediate resolution.

Recovery for me has been about redefining who I always thought I was and who I really am. It’s about taking a hard look at myself and figuring out what parts of my life have been ruled by my illness, what parts were lousy situations, and what parts were truly just me. It was about seeing the parts of me that I didn’t want to see… seeing them and accepting them – the things I have done or said or believed in the past – and realising that I was at times, a mess… an oftentimes out-of-control crazy whirlwind of ups, downs and absolute chaos. It was a series of bitter pills that I had to swallow to realise that I had not always been the nicest person, the most level thinker, and sometimes just nasty. I destroyed friendships and family bonds. I was unpredictable and unable to find control. I was quite simply a storm that could hit at any time and move in any direction.

But the good news is; once I realised all of the horrible stuff about myself and accepted that I had made mistakes and that I had an illness that did control a lot of areas of my life for many years – I was also able to move forward. I was able to make the first positive decisions of my life, move myself in the direction that I wanted to head and embrace the rest of who I was. Because you see… all that bad stuff, it wasn’t the whole of me. There was so much good that always seemed hidden because of the unpredictability. I began to make lists in my journal when I found something positive about myself – I realised that I’m passionate… about life, about relationships and about hobbies. I give myself fully to any project I’m involved in and know that I will go above and beyond to do my very best. I love with all of my heart; my family, my friends… even those I have alienated in the past with my behavior, and some of those relationships have even been repairable even though I thought I had destroyed them. I’m creative. The times I am most at peace are when I’m crafting something or taking photographs, baking in the kitchen or writing a book. Most of all I realised (and eventually came to accept) that I am a good person. It was something that I believed for the longest time that wasn’t true… I thought I was a horrible person, flawed at the deepest level and unable to fit in and function normally within society. But as I peeled back the layers I realised that there is good in me, it just sometimes gets mixed up in the chaos that used to surround me.

Of course there are so many aspects to my recovery journey – self-discovery is the biggest aspect, but for me another huge aspect was learning to live a healthier life in general. I’ve read and researched and googled all different “health tips” and spoken to friends and family who have tried this or tried that to live healthier in one way or another. I’m still discovering my ideal healthy lifestyle, but I do know that the drastic changes I have been able to make (eating, exercising, routine (sleep), meditation, medication and therapy, and personal environmental awareness) have been amazing factors that have helped me both feel and look better, physically and mentally.

But again, as I said in my last post – while I am much better than a year ago, I know I will still struggle for some time. And that’s okay too. Right now I’m going through a particularly challenging time. There have been setbacks and I have spent time crying and experiencing a wide range of emotions, trying to assess myself to make sure that I’m still in a good place, making sure I can hold it all together. But while I know it’s a struggle and I know that there might be even tougher times in the near future… I also know that because of my journey and the things I have learned and changed within myself, I can handle it. Whether it’s through picking up extra counselling sessions or adding in another group, changing or adding new medications; whether it’s a few extra coffee dates with friends, taking a weekend away or simply spending time revisiting my old “cheat notes” every once in a while, I know that I am in a much better place to handle anything that might come my way. And really, that’s what recovery is to me. Being able to handle whatever comes up next (whether it’s alone, or with support) in a healthier way, and being able to understand and recognise what is happening and why.

This hasn't always been the easiest thing to recover from... and I haven't done it alone - sometimes it was too much for me to handle and I needed encouragement from all around, people to help me sort out the different areas of my life - to dig through and pull out the good, the bad, and the weird. I needed to talk things through and learn to be open and honest. I needed to learn entirely new ways to experience the emotions that I felt, and how to properly act (or stop myself from acting!) on them. I had to relearn self-control and self-soothing like a small child, and I often felt like everyone was trying to change the core of who I was. But it wasn't the core of me that I needed to change... I just needed a way to accept and process who I was, to figure out what my brain was acting on and trying to say when it was going haywire. It was therapy and guidance, communication and support, trial and error, journalling and writing, facing stigma and fighting with doctors, it has been love and experience that has helped me get to this place in my journey. 

It isn’t an easy process. It isn’t a cure. But it is one step towards my goal, one day at a time, one trigger or incident at a time. It is hopeful. That is what my journey is... finding my future, finding out what I need to become the best me possible and learning how to achieve that with the way that my brain and emotions function. Find out what your journey involves and take the first step. Reach out and ask for help. It is worth it!

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Doing Well - Living Life with Mental Health

Recently I’ve been left with a lot of time on my hands to question things - to do some reflection and determine where I’ve come from and where I’m heading. It’s something that I’ve done more often in the previous several months and for me, it’s a good thing. I need that. I need those reminders of where I’ve been – how bad it has been at times and how good the possibilities actually are.

A reminder from hospital, made during therapy.

Some days I also feel like a fraud. I’m here writing (and talking in real life) about how well I’m doing, how under control my moods are – how level I’ve been – and how well I’m managing the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms… and really, I’m speaking and writing the truth. I am doing well. But it isn’t without struggle – something that I’m not always able to properly articulate in my blog posts because the fighting and the worry and the constant watching is all under the surface. It’s in the reminders that I have around the house, the conversations with myself debating whether or not I have a legitimate reason to be upset or happy or energetic. It’s in the everyday fight to maintain the good things that I took time and effort to set up – everything from routine to what/how/when I eat. It’s in the battle of my mind that still wants to creep up from time to time and tell me that I’m worthless, that wants to stop me from reaching out when I need support, and that worries endlessly that I will slip up – that I’m not doing enough, that it will never be enough to stay healthy and on track.

The beginning. I needed reminders to get out of bed.

At times it can be utterly and completely exhausting to keep up with myself, to stop and slow down racing thoughts and to force myself to remain in constant sleep patterns when I feel my mood start to go up. It’s more than a little tiring to force myself to get up in the mornings and get dressed when I feel like a cloud of depression is pushing me down, and some days it feels impossible to keep moving forward when all I want to do is lay down and sleep. And then when my energy is already depleted, to have to force myself to be open, to want to build relationships and stop pushing people away; to bite my tongue and not react viciously when the anger begins to build can almost be too much. And occasionally I slip. I fail. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect I will ever be.

But I can learn to cope, to take those moments of trial and use them to find things that work, to practice on building the skills I have learned and to be authentic with the people in my life.

A reminder of my last stay in the hospital, a painting I did in therapy.

I’m not a fraud. I am doing well. It has taken me many years of half-effort and lack of understanding to get me here. It has taken suicide attempts and hospital stays, psychiatrist appointments and support groups to help me understand. Mental illness is not something you can deal with alone and although it took a lot of ‘wrongs’ to get me to where I am, I’m glad I’m finally here, in the place that I can acknowledge it all.

Mental illness doesn’t have to be my weakness. It is one of the many things in my life that has made me stronger and more resilient. I have become more determined to change my life and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – doctors, medications, support groups, supportive family/friends, research, talking, writing, self-discovery and self-care. My journey isn’t pretty. It isn’t filled with a doctor that took the time to counsel all of the reasons why I am this way, a single medication that has fixed my life and made everything look like roses. It has been filled with tears and fights and denial and ugly truths and hard lessons. It has been filled with days when I wasn’t sure I could go on, when recovery and happiness seemed completely impossible but I pushed ahead anyways. It didn’t always seem like it, but I know that it has been worth it. It sometimes seems so dark that you know that you will never escape, but I promise there is hope. If you are struggling, find help – reach out, call a friend or a hotline, dig your heels in and try just a little harder and you will find the light. It is there, just around the corner. Life is always worth it, even when you can’t see your happy ending. 

One of my reminders, (semi-colon tattoo) because my story isn't over yet. 

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Will They Stay or Will They Go?

Fear of abandonment and constant feelings of rejection. For me this has always been (just one of) my key identifying factors for the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis. It might sound silly and you might want to say ‘that’s life, get over it’, but it isn’t that simple. It is a paralysing fear, a complete lack of self-worth and self-love, and the constant feeling that at any moment those you care most about will stand up and walk away from you.

And so, to avoid the inevitable rejection that you know will come (because everyone will leave you eventually), you instead push people away. You build relationships but never really let others in. You try to be social and fit in with the rest of society, but you can’t quite feel like you are a part of the bigger picture. So you back away or hurt someone or instead smother them or you become insanely jealous of any other relationships that they may have outside of you. You know logically that you are being ridiculous but you can’t help but to constantly doubt and wonder and question every relationship in your life – the feelings, the thoughts and the people that you want to love and care about. You wear a mask and you pretend that you’re fine and that you can handle anything – you can be happy and mean and jealous and productive and competitive and shallow and friendly and angry… you can be anything as long as you are stopping yourself from the eventual rejection and hurt that always happens. You can’t believe that anyone really like you, despite the many ways they might tell or show you. And so, the pressure is on for those in your life and like anyone would, eventually they crack and you fight and they disappear – proving in the end that everything you believed was right. You don’t realise that it is often times your own doing.

And so, it’s something I’ve had to work on. I’ve had to learn to let people in… to take off my mask and build true friendships and deeper relationships. I’ve had to go back and re-build connections that I had destroyed with my distorted black and white thinking, and hot and cold personality. I’ve had to take a long and honest look at who I am and who I’ve been… the things I have said and done throughout my life that have pushed even those that truly cared, away from me. I have had to learn to fight the negative self-talk and build up my own self-worth… I’ve had to actually begin to like myself and who I am.

Most importantly I’ve had to learn one other thing… and I don’t really like it as it is leaving a sour taste in my mouth and my heart: People will leave you. People will fade away and relationships will change and shift with time and effort and schedules and life. People will also stay. Those that matter and that you love… those connections that you take the time to nurture and treat right will often (not always) stay. That is a part of what life involves, growing and changing and learning – sometimes friendships grow and change with us and sometimes it is better to let them grow their own way while you work on yourself.

The funny thing is, that recently while I have evaluated the many relationships in my life – I have most often come to the conclusion that I had done something wrong, something that caused the inevitable fissure in the relationship… and a few honest people in my life were open about the ways I had hurt them or the things I had done. But what I have found out through this year of recovery and growth is that even when I’m ‘well’, even when things are going ‘right’ and I am personally invested in building or rebuilding a relationship, people will still leave or close you out. Even those relationships that you believe are worth fighting for, that you want more than any other and are willing to sacrifice so much for, can be felt as one-sided, the other person still choosing to exit.

And that is not my fault. That is not reflective of my self-worth or who I am as a person. That is on the other person and there is nothing that you can do but let them go, continue to love them if you choose (sometimes people are still intertwined in your life, despite not wanting a close relationship) and keep on growing and becoming a better person for yourself.

Relationships will come and go in life. Fight for the ones you want to keep, learn and grow and change as needed for yourself – not for anyone else, and accept that some people will not want you in their life; some people will be unhappy despite the person you have or will become. And most of all, remember that you are loved… it might not feel like it, and you might not recognise it sitting right in front of you, but someone in your life does love you. Accept it, nurture it, and build on it. Work to fix those relationships that are worth it, and let go of the ones that aren't - it might hurt and that's okay, but don't let it paralyse you or set you back. Keep your eyes open because connections can be found in the oddest of places and most important: learn to love yourself first. 

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