The sun is setting on this chapter of my life. Just over the horizon I can see a new me. A happy me. A me that isn't struggling anymore, that doesn't have a disease of the mind.
From now on I can handle it. It won't be a daily fight to keep negative thoughts and emotions out of my head, to convince myself that I'm okay and that I am worth loving. I'll be able to manage myself without difficulty, without the work it has previously taken to consciously change the way my mind works and the way that I think.
I'll be able to stop all of the pills and the therapies and the groups. I won't ever have to talk about it again or let anyone else know about the things I've struggled through during the past few years.
And everything that I just said is a lie.
As much as I want it to be true, it isn't... and it never will be.
Over the last couple of months I've taken a bit of a break about talking about it, instead focusing on me. I've been in recovery - I still am in recovery - and I've been okay. I've stuck to my schedule, kept all of my appointments, attending therapy and groups, and spent some time making decisions about the medications I was on. There have been no suicide attempts, no hospital visits and very little drama in my life.
But that doesn't mean that I'm recovered, that once the sun sets on this chapter of my life, that it's over, never to return again.
Because the truth is, that I will never be fully recovered. I can and I will work towards reclaiming myself and not letting my emotions and thoughts control my life or lead me down the darkest path. But it will always take effort, conscious decisions and careful assessment of myself. It will take the support of my family and friends to remind me once in a while of who I am and how far I've come. It will take time and continually checking in with myself and others, of keeping grounded.
Because the truth is, that I will never be fully recovered. I can and I will work towards reclaiming myself and not letting my emotions and thoughts control my life or lead me down the darkest path. But it will always take effort, conscious decisions and careful assessment of myself. It will take the support of my family and friends to remind me once in a while of who I am and how far I've come. It will take time and continually checking in with myself and others, of keeping grounded.
It won't mean that those thoughts will never pop up again, that I will ever feel the clouds of depression sneaking in, it will mean though that I can acknowledge it and move on, remind myself of the positives and fight a little easier. It will mean that when I think thoughts of suicide that they will remain thoughts and not spiral into darker plans, or worse - actions.
So while the sun is setting on the last few months of my life, it's rising on the other side, a reminder that it will always rise again, and so will I.
