It was a typical day… perfectly in routine. I was up at 7 and was drinking my morning cup of tea,
waiting for my day to begin, the first day of my summer vacation. I was stable.
I was level. I was tired. But I was happy. I was okay… Until I wasn’t.
It was a single moment that changed everything, that sent me
on a path of watching and waiting and seeing. Like a quickly darkening sky with
sudden rotation, a tornado waiting to touch down in my life and send everything
– especially me – spiralling down a dark hole again. It was easy to see… I had
been down this path before – several times – and it was easy to predict the
path that I would take, the way that a trigger of this magnitude would rip the
control I have so carefully constructed away from me again. It would be
disastrous – I would fall down the rabbit hole of depression and the thoughts
of darkness, and desperation, and escape would inevitably hit… I would end up
in the hospital again… forced into isolation and psychiatrist evaluations. This
was my life. This was what always happened.
Until it didn’t.
Just over three weeks ago I was hit with a major trigger in
my life (a crisis of sorts), and just over three weeks ago I began another
journey in my life with Bipolar Disorder/BPD. Just over three weeks ago, I
panicked in the moments immediately following the hit of the trigger and I felt
like I would crash, the feelings rushing back to the surface and my mind
working in overdrive and immediately beginning to envision the worst case
scenarios – suicide attempts, police cars, hospitalisation, mania, or a
psychotic episode. I knew my past and while I knew the stability I had forged
over the last two years of dedication and hard work, I also knew how easily it
could all crumble again.
I haven’t written much over the last several months – I have
been busy and life has moved forward as it often does. Since last Christmas I
have experienced stress and triggers, ups and downs, as well as one
hospitalisation and one day trip to the emergency room. I have worked to
return to a balanced diet and better exercise regimen, to live a balanced life,
and maintain the ever-important routine… and overall, I have been extremely
successful, finding a new sense of peace and the ability to identify and work
on some of my problems and maintain stability with my mental health.
Three weeks ago – for just a few moments – I knew it was all
for nothing. For a few moments, I lost myself and returned to the fragile state
that would leave me vulnerable and susceptible to another episode. And then, I
remembered the months and years of work I've done.
I remembered the steps, and the pages, and the writing, and
the distraction, and the help available to me. I remembered to grab my phone
and reach out to let someone I trusted know what was happening. I remembered
all of the success I have worked towards achieving and I began to put a plan
(simple, one step at a time) into place, to maintain my own mental health in a
situation that could very well have been catastrophic. I remembered over the
next several days to head off a slip up by taking care of my basic needs and
maintaining the routine I desperately need to function – eating properly,
continuing daily chores/work/plans. I remembered to take the damn sleeping
pills when I couldn’t sleep… and to have someone hold me accountable when it
took nearly a week to begin sleeping properly again; and I remembered to have a plan in place
to seek help if I didn’t. I remembered to take care of myself and to keep my
plans, my work, and my support firmly in place - even if I didn't exactly want to.
And I didn't fall down.
And now, three weeks later, I still catch myself watching
and waiting for that stumble at times… that sign that I am weak and that I am nothing but
my mental illness. At times I wish it would just happen – an episode of some
sort - because it is strange to react in a normal way, within an overall normal
range of emotions. And at some times, I just sit down and smile, amazed at how well I am doing. I smile because every struggle, every step I have taken to get here, and every experience - both positive and negative - has been worth it to get to the place I'm in right now.
I know that today, I am doing okay. One day at a time, one episode at a time. I am changing the
game, I am challenging myself, and I am winning in my fight for stability in a
Bipolar/Borderline mind.
