It's Not Impossible

Some days, you just aren’t normal. You aren’t capable of reacting to things in the way that you are learning that you should. It isn’t a case of not wanting to, but of your brain being hard-wired in a way that you know isn’t quite right, but being unable to fight the thoughts that surface during those times.

It’s having thoughts, and thoughts becoming feelings and feelings becoming actions. Things that spiral out of control and keep you locked up in your own mind: irrationally, stupidly, and fearfully.

Despite an overwhelming and stressful couple of weeks, today was supposed to be a good day. A day filled with work, and baseball, and the beach. Before we even began, words were spoken; sarcasm that began to ruminate in my mind, sending me on a trip into a different reality.

He doesn’t want to be with me. But I know that he does.

It doesn’t matter, because he said it, he talked about disappearing and how we would be better off. He must be thinking about it. No. It was said as a joke, an offhand remark. He wasn’t serious and he would never do that. I should know that after everything we have been through and with how he has stayed by my side.

Once the thoughts became planted, it was crystal clear. I needed to put my guard up, be prepared. 

Although the rational, logical side of me was yelling, screaming at me to understand and to realise that it was all said in harmless fun this morning – it was drowned out by my emotional dysfunction.

I used every tool and every strategy that I’ve learned so far, within a matter of a few hours. Humour, distraction, shock, mindfulness, breathing and acceptance... all used to keep one foot planted firmly in reality so that I didn’t fully get washed into the chaos of my mind; a hand grasping onto the door marked ‘normal’.

By the time I faced off with him again I was almost there… fooling everyone around me, and to a degree even myself, into thinking that I was okay. I was fine. Until I wasn’t.

And all it took was a comment from my nine year old. A simple comment that completely shook me to the core and pulled out every brick from the wall I had carefully built throughout the morning and afternoon. It washed me away from any and all rational thinking and sent my mind into a full-blown meltdown.

Both my thoughts and my heart were racing and within seconds it was more than I could handle, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back… and so I ran away. Literally. I dropped the buckets and shovels that I had been carrying towards the beach and moved back towards the van, letting myself in and letting the tears wash down my cheeks as I tried desperately to shut down my brain.

I spent the next hour arguing with myself. Trying to sort out the ‘truths’ in my head, creating charts and graphs that only I could see, trying to cling to any sort of reason because everything was completely jumbled and I couldn’t make sense of anything at all. Couldn’t understand what was right, what was true and what was my messed up mind trying to fool me, make me believe things that logically I know are false.

Today I missed out on a trip to the beach with my family, because I wasn’t doing well and couldn’t cope.

I also handled it better than I have in the past, and learned some of my triggers for the future. As much as my mind was random, garbled bits of chaos… I did manage to use tools and strategies to overcome it and not let myself get to an even darker place.

Tonight I know I’m being hard on myself as I bring myself back to reality. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to experience these lapses back to the ‘old’ me. I also don’t want to entirely lose the ‘old’ me. And as I write this, I’m not really sure where I stand, except that I’m not 100% okay right now, and that is okay as long as I can accept it and work towards correcting it – and getting help if I don’t feel like I can.

Today was a hard day, but it wasn't impossible.

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Small Things

(Small stones can appear much larger based on the lens they are viewed from.)

** Knock off the tears.
** Stop crying.
** Why are you over-reacting?
** What's the issue?
** Stop being so dramatic.
** It's not that big a deal!

It seems innocent enough to say one of the above phrases, and most of the time I'm sure that nobody would think twice about using one or all of them - especially if the person standing in front of you was reacting in a way that seemed ridiculous in comparison to the situation.In fact, you might look at such a person and have thoughts that go as far as to compare that person to a toddler throwing a tantrum, unable to see the reason that you try repeatedly to explain to them.

Let's make up a random example.
A couple make plans to go out for the evening, the babysitter arrives and they arrive at their destination restaurant to find that it is unusually booked up and full. One spounse thinks okay, that's fine - let's go find another restaurant, or something else to do. But as he looks at his wife, he realises that she's already gone. The tears have started and she's choking back a sob and as much as she struggles to hide it and push it down, it pops back up. He tells her to relax, it's not that big of a deal and yet, she can't help it. Before long she's not only crying but she's angry, he attempts to take her to another restaurant, to distract her but she's already become another person, vicious as the anger begins to take over. Soon there is an argument and he becomes frustrated because he doesn't understand what the big deal is, she becomes lost in her thoughts. Her black and white thinking has taken over... the night is ruined because the original restaurant is booked, he hates her because she's emotionally sensitive, and who knows, he probably didn't even really want to go out with her in the first place - he hates her.

It all sounds so ridiculous, and very much like a toddler throwing a tantrum... doesn't it? That's because, from my experience and my research it is.

Emotional Dysregulation. People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) don't have the same internal process for dealing with difficult or negative emotions. The thought process is actually quite simple - either you love me or you hate me, it's good or it's bad, life is awesome or it's not worth living at all. Small things are not simply small things. The daily events in life are overwhelming and unmanageable and set off chain reactions in the mind that convince you that everything is against you. And most of all, you can't see it. As far as you can tell, there is nothing wrong with your behaviour - I know, personally for me it was easy for me to admit that I'm a little more sensitive - but that was always as far as I could admit. Everything else, my insane over-reactions, angry rages and bouts of intense emotion were always someone else's fault... they were completely justified to me.

One time that particularly stands out to me, was several years ago. I was baking a cake - just for fun - and as it came time to turn the cake out of the pan and onto the platter I was going to be using, the cake stuck to the inside of the pan and basically only half the cake came out. Did I have a reason to be a little upset - yes, baking a cake is a lot of work and it's frustrating when it doesn't turn out. But how I reacted was completely inappropriate - I instantly felt frustrated and felt the anger begin to bubble. When my husband attempted to calm me down, told me to stop over-reacting and calm down, convince me that it was okay - I lost it. I started yelling (I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it wasn't very nice!) and the incident ended with me picking up the glass platter full of broken cake and slamming it on the ceramic tile floor. It took hours for me to calm down and before now I've never admitted fault or apologised for my behaviour. At the time I was so out of it, so convinced that my actions were justified that I saw nothing wrong with it.

Thankfully, things are changing now. I will keep stressing that I am not perfect... that a few months of therapy and new meds haven't completely changed me and made me totally normal yet. But I'm working on it. Unfortunately as I said in my last post, my actions have had effects that have probably reached further than I even know, and some relationships have been permanently damaged. Having BPD and Bipolar, finally having a diagnosis, is not an excuse for my previous actions and I am in no way, trying to continue justifiying them. I treated people in a way that makes me amazed that I have anyone left in my life who cares about me. But while it isn't an excuse, it does clear things up... it does give me a place to begin working, examples from my past to help me not make the same mistakes in the future.

Now, with work and with therapy and with practice - the small things aren't always massive events in my life now. I am learning to regulate and can
see the destructive behaviours, recognise the emotions and accept them without losing myself. Without harming those around me. It isn't easy. I still slip and I might struggle with this for the rest of my life - and I accept it. My husband accepts it. And we aren't giving up.

One small thing at a time, we are working through it.

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