- It’s five a.m. and I’m sitting on the couch, lamenting the fact that I can’t sleep – although I typically love to sleep in as late as possible… today I’m not tired.
- Later on in the day I listen to myself as I talk to a friend, telling a story and laughing and joking around. I notice the stutter in my speech – the way that my brain is moving faster than my lips can keep up. My words are skipping out of my mouth, fast as they tumble forward almost at a speed too quick for my friend to catch.
- When I’m home alone that afternoon, the house feels big, empty, and hollow. I want to sit and write or read, or even binge watch my latest obsession on Netflix… but I can’t. My brain won’t focus and I can’t sit still. It should be good, it should be getting me out and moving – but instead I sit and debate what I want to do, not sure, not able to stay focused on my own surroundings or even on a simple task such as washing dishes. I bounce around the house instead. I wash two dishes, tidy part of the bathroom counter, sweep the living room (but only by the fireplace… I’ll do the rest in a minute), wash three more glasses, and empty the trash but don’t quite get it out to the garage. I wanted to clean my house – but when I finally get distracted by playing with Christmas decorations – my house is still a mess, rooms partially cleaned, and dishes still in the sink.
- It’s dinner time. The ground beef is sitting partially thawed on the counter – I had dozens of grand ideas for dinner tonight; I was going to make stuffed peppers, or enchiladas, or even homemade burgers. Instead I settle for the easiest thing that I can think of – Sloppy Joe sauce from a can… and I text my husband to bring home buns because I simply didn’t get to the store like I was going to do.
- After we eat and I clean up the kitchen my daughter asks me to watch a show with her. Sitting in the living room I put my feet up, and then I put them down, and then I cross my legs. I watch the show, but I open the laptop up periodically to check out an actor’s history on IMDB or to Google a fact I heard in the show. Between that my phone is in my hands… responding to texts, adding tasks to my to-do list, and Googling how-to’s for my latest project, convinced that it’s going to be great.
- By the time that bed time rolls around, I feel like I should feel tired… but I don’t. My body is surprisingly achy and I feel shifty and flighty and like I can’t sit still. I lay down on my yoga mat and try some deep breathing and simple stretching. Eventually I head to bed, sleeping partially through the night – jerking wide awake every so often, each time taking longer to fall back asleep… but I’m never fully asleep… always in that place between wide awake and dreaming – the place where you hear the world around you, but you’re somewhat out of it.
This could be the beginning of a (hypo)manic episode... combined with constant
anxiety, irritability, visions of grandeur/success/invincibility, and a belief
that I’m not just okay… I’m great.
But in truth I’m not… and even more than living with these
swings (but in my mood but in my personality)… I hate admitting that I do. I hate the
idea that I’m not okay all of the time... or that mental health isn’t as easy as popping the
pills that the doctor ordered and staying on top of counselling. I hate that I
can’t simply eat healthy and exercise to put my body and brain back in order and correct
my thinking. Most of all, I hate that I can’t simply have an anxious, tense, or
quick thinking day without wondering if this is it… is this the beginning of
the end of stability? Or am I just happy and having a fidgety day?
Was today really a sign that I’m going down (or up) the
rabbit hole again, or was this just a natural cycle for a person, still within
the reasonable level… graphed on chart to be worrisome but not yet severe?
Am I going to end up in the hospital again? Switching meds? What
if there are worse side effects? Will I crash? Will I become suicidal? What if
I become paranoid or delusional? What if I start hallucinating again? Does
anyone else notice? Maybe I’m the only one that can see it coming… can I fake
it? Should I just carry on and pretend that I'm fine? What if I just watch it carefully? I can slow my speech down, I can act ‘normal’.
Maybe I’ll shift back down to normal tomorrow anyways… yeah… tomorrow. And if
not… tomorrow I’ll call the doctor… just to, you know… make sure… but I’m fine…
I know I’m fine… I feel… I feel good… like really good… this can’t be bad... in
fact it’s great. I don’t need a doctor. I’m fine. Do I really even have a 'disorder'?
And that’s how easy it is. How fast it is for someone to say
‘I’m fine’… how quickly my brain can go from logical and concerned and on top
of my health… to trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I’m
okay, and that nothing is wrong.
I wish I could say that this wasn’t a real example that I
used. Unfortunately it is, and unfortunately I know my own cycles all too well.
Thankfully, this isn’t from today… but the truth is, I have noticed that I am talking
a little faster, and I’m feeling a little more awake than usual – despite the
shorter day and lack of daylight. I’m not in the extreme and I am continuing
the routine I’ve put in place. I know better now… I know not to stray and I
know that I need to be kind and gentle and yet firm to keep myself in check. I
know that if one more symptom shows I need to get to a doctor as soon as
possible, I also know that I need to call anyways to check in and adjust some
meds – just in case… the sooner the better.
This is why my mental health is my priority… my ups and my
downs could literally kill me. This disease that supposedly has no cure, simply
management; it strikes at any time. Winter, summer, spring, or fall, with
little to no warning, and always trying to consume me in one extreme or another.
But I refuse to let it destroy me. I have suffered enough – and although I may live with constant worry, stress, and check-ins, I am winning the fight. I am becoming more aware with each and every day, I am sharing my struggles so that others can step in and help when I need it, and so that in turn, I might also help others who struggle.
For tonight though… my routine is calling and so off to bed
I go, knowing that as long as I’m not alone in this fight, I will not just survive,
but I will thrive.
** I just want to clarify that I am not at this time manic (although I am as always, watching for any symptoms that indicate that my mood could destabilize).
