Blogging While Down

Initially I started this blog in a journal style, not intending to reach huge number or anything, but to have an outlet where I could describe what it is like to live with these mental health disorders. For the few posts I've made I've enjoyed it and I've been completely open and honest. But then I started feeling a little down, and then a little more down and so I stopped.
Now to be fair, it wasn't really a conscious choice not to blog. Unfortunately depression is more than feeling a little sad and not really feeling like doing something. Depression hit me so hard again that I have wound up in the emergency room of the hospital twice this month for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. On days where I am here at home, I struggle to wake up in the morning. I have to force myself out of bed, to get dressed and to complete routine tasks in the house that should feel like nothing, that I've done as long as I can remember. But it isn't that simple. Loading the dishwasher feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest, switching the laundry like running a marathon. Even taking care of basic needs like eating and drinking water are forced and miserable and often leave me feeling sick when I am able to get something down.
And then there is the nagging thought in the back of my head. The one that shouldn't be there, that tells me I've had enough of this. That tries to convince me I'm not strong enough to keep going.
Suicide.
I'm going to admit, the right now I'm struggling with this. I don't know if it's the Borderline Personality Disorder or just plain old Depression that is doing it, but my thoughts are almost split. Logically I know I have things to live for. I have a husband and kids who I love, I have a job, I'm still fairly young. But emotionally. Emotionally I'm drained. I'm completely exhausted and it seems like it doesn't matter what I do to pull myself up and out of this depression - it only gets worse. I just want it to end.
Now I want to be clear. These are feelings that I have recently been struggling with. It doesn't mean that I am giving in to them, or that I am unsafe at this moment. I am still pushing through. Fighting against myself for my life. I am receiving help from the local hospital's community outreach team. I am about to begin one on one counselling, and am on waiting lists for group counselling. I am attending support groups to try and help myself deal with these thoughts.
So if I'm getting all of this support, why am I blogging about these feelings? I'm writing them out because they are real. Because it is something that millions of people go through. I know (logically) that I am not alone in feeling this way. The same way that I know that I need help and I am going to do everything I can to get help. To get better. It just takes time. So in that time I've decided I am not going to stop blogging just because I'm feeling down. I am going to keep going when I'm up, when I'm down and when I'm level.

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A New Diagnosis

A little over three years ago now I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. At the time I remember feeling immensely relieved. It wasn't that I was thrilled with finding out that I had a mental health disorder, and I definitely was not jumping around excited and shouting it to the world. But it did make sense to me. After years of irrational behavior, ups and downs and emotionally reacting to events in my life in ways that I didn't understand; I finally had a reason for it all. With that came an opportunity to seek treatment, to begin taking medications, to research and understand the reasons why.
But things are changing for me now. As symptoms continue to rear their head in my life it has come up on more than one occasion that I may now have a new diagnosis to work with, to learn about and accept. During my hospital stay in November, as well as with recent conversations with my doctor and my support team, I was more than a little surprised to find that I also show symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
This time though I'll be honest - I'm having a bit of a more difficult time accepting this new development in my diagnosis/treatment. Maybe it's because it isn't accompanied by that same sense of relief that came with the bipolar diagnosis - that feeling that I was finally being validated and that something IS different about me. This time I already know that. Maybe it's that it is not as widely discussed as Bipolar disorder, depression, or even schizophrenia. Kind of the ugly emotional step-sister of the more commonly discussed disorders. Maybe it's because it is a new development when I was already set on a path. I knew the diagnosis, the treatment and what to expect. But now - now I'm starting from the beginning with the research, the treatments, the plans,
I know I'm not the first person to have a problem digesting the news of a new diagnosis... but at the same time it sure is a lonely feeling, especially now that I have two simultaneous diagnosis' to work with. Knowing that I not only have one thing wrong with me, but two.
I have to admit... I don't even know where to start at this time.
I don't know what to expect and it scares the crap out of me.
I know that I need to have hope. Hope for the future, hope for treatment, and hope for a life beyond my illness'.
Hopefully - I'll get there.

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Moment by moment.

I woke up this morning.

And my first thought was; Oh my gosh, how am I going to get through today, and tomorrow and this week and this month... and... and... and...

My mind immediately went into overdrive. I began to panic, my pulse started to race, my thoughts soared out of control and I wanted to shut down. So I did the best thing that I could do in the moment:

I got out of bed.

I focused on the small task of climbing out of bed and making it (so I wouldn't crawl back in) and moving out to the kitchen. And then I put all of my attention on the task of making myself my morning cup of tea. After that I focused on having a shower and getting dressed, next it was starting the laundry, etc... 

It isn't an easy pattern to pick up and when you are feeling overwhelmed it might seem nearly impossible. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is an amazing support person and who can remind me that I don't need to panic, that I can calm down and live in the moment. Our basic needs are met. We have food and clothing and a house to live in and so I don't need to panic at the thought of what next week, tomorrow, or even later today will bring. 

I only need to live moment by moment.

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Setbacks

It's been a tough week.
I take medication for bipolar disorder. The specific medication that I take is a mood stabilizer with an anti-depressant effect. Now this doesn't mean that I'm an emotional robot. Thankfully the medical world has come a long way from the days where people with mental health disorders were given medication that turned them into zombies. However, it does mean that sometimes things can still trigger us, even medicated. The difference is an ability to spot our mood changes, to watch for those changes and the ability to act on it before it becomes a crisis.
Last weekend I spent 24 hours in the hospital.
Triggers - things that we can't control but which have an effect on our mood - can still hit us and I was hit hard. My mood slipped down into a depression. Watching it closely my husband and I monitored it, waiting patiently, for it to come back up to a level place.
It didn't.
And so I (with my husband) made the decision to go in and get checked out at the local emergency room to make sure my medications were still working and to ensure that I was safe.
My meds were checked, some additional community supports were arranged, and now I'm home,
Why Am I telling this story?
Because it's real. Because this is a daily, weekly, or monthly struggle for so many people living with mental illness and I know that I am not alone.
Because I hated how I felt and I know that it is incredibly difficult to talk about or open up about it. And I know that I am not the only one who has been faced with making the decision to return to a hospital, a place that in itself can be a major trigger.
Because I know that it's normal to have ups and downs when you are in recovery/post crisis mode and I want to wash away the shame and embarrassment that clings to me at the thought of even mentioning where I've been and why.
Because I want to pull myself out of the pit of depression and I find it helpful to write about my experiences, my thoughts, and my emotions.
I don't want to be bipolar. But I am and it is okay to be me.

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