A double life.
Secrets, shame, hidden
feelings, self-loathing, and guilt.
Strength, smiles,
openness, bravery, courage, and love.
This was me. Over the past decade, I have lived with a
splitting within my mind: a damaged processor, a flaky connection, and a screen
that turns on and off – illuminating selective aspects of my life – depending
on the situation, day, or even hour.
For a long time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me or why
I couldn’t maintain a stable mindset, a normal functioning, and a mature
response system within my life.
I couldn’t control the sides, the split, or the damage that
I sometimes caused towards myself and others… though I desperately tried.
The more I struggled against the symptoms – the depression,
the shame, the anxiety, and the general unease – the more they affected me,
nearly destroying my world with the unpredictable outbursts, angered reactions,
and crippling devastation that I experienced. My emotions ran wild and though I
chased after them, I could never catch up – never hold them in for long enough
to sort them out, validate them, or set them free.
I felt trapped in my body, my head, and my life. I wanted
out.
I felt like a fraud. A liar. A damaged, defective, and
inferior human.
And yet… the other side of me argued. Constantly lifting me.
Masking me. Get up. Get out. Show up. Do your best… because you ARE the best.
Stronger, different, more capable. Better.
Not like them at
all.
To put it mildly… my head has remained in a constant state
of chaos and confusion, for as long as I can remember. A minefield that nobody
could possibly navigate without a map and a guide… not even me.
For the past (almost) year, I’ve been working on writing
that map.
Honesty and Authenticity.
They sound like
honourable goals… fairly easy… calm… freeing.
But it’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever chosen
to do for myself.
Because for years, I’ve lived with lies. Splitting.
Confusion. Indecision. A façade. A mask. Carefully constructed webs of shallow
secrets, smiles, and deeper self-hate.
When I was a little girl, I took it to heart when I was told
to ‘knock off the tears’ and ‘stop crying about it’. And that mantra carried
with me throughout several layers of trauma, abuse, betrayal, and poor
decisions. Though I could never fully grasp it enough to believe it would work…
I tried to be strong, brave, and better. I hid the tears until I couldn’t. I
masked the pain until it burst out. I worked endlessly to do better and be
more, until I fell down in exhaustion, collapsing beneath the weight of my own
personal expectations.
Gradually I broke… while still trying to hold it all
together.
I lied to myself. I believed myself. I confused myself. And
I let other people help me do it too.
This year I started to peel back the layers of me… to find the little person inside. The little girl buried beneath the loudness of the world around her. The one that believed that she had to maintain the protective shell around her, no matter how much it cracked or split. For years I tried to mend the breaks with tiny bits of sticky tape – tried to fit the pieces back together like a broken puzzle – only to find that another section was cracking on the other side, as I tried my best to fix this one.
Last February, when I uncovered the truth of my husband’s
infidelity… my very first reaction was relief.
I wasn’t crazy after all.
And very quickly, the shell around me burst apart where I
had tried to mend it throughout the years, until there was nothing but
vulnerability, and a very raw and painful look at my life. But while it should have been
easy to see that some of the things I had believed were lies, and some were
truth… it was absolute chaos and confusion as I tried to sort it all out.
Honesty and authenticity has not been an easy leg of the
journey and I have often been left after examining an aspect of my life,
completely terrified and unsure of myself. I have been left feeling alone, ashamed, vulnerable, and lost... as though sharing my grief with even myself was breaking some sort of life rule.
But with each layer that I pull back, with each layer that I
sort out and attempt to untangle the lies from the truth, and the pain from the
healing, and the trauma from the blame – I feel a merging happening inside of
myself. The sides of me that caused the chaos and the constant war
in my head are learning to get along. To see that they were never on opposite
sides at all, both trying to protect, to save, and to hide from the damage - some of which I created, and some of which was placed onto me.
Last month I talked about the damage that I’ve experienced
in my life, and the impact that I have felt as a result of infidelity in my marriage. This has been a massive layer
for me to not only peel back and examine, but to also assign appropriate relevance
within my life. And it’s been a layer that has been riddled with outside
opinions, harsh judgement, twisted facts, reactive emotions, and wanting to flee from it all…
wanting to revert back to the shell at times. Pick up the pieces. Tape them
back together and hide away from not just the world, but myself. Chaos.
Confusion.
And then…
Confidence.
Not a false confidence… one that feeds the ego and says ‘I’m
right, and you’re wrong’. And not the confidence that has you feeling like a
million bucks in a new outfit with perfect hair and makeup and matching shoes.
No, this is a deeper confidence that can’t always be seen.
It’s peace-driven, though it is a rocky journey to get there. It;s knowledge
that as the web of lies that I believed slowly unravels, that I am able to look
at them with new eyes… seeing beneath the words and the actions. Beneath
symptoms and pain and grief. Beneath the instinct to solely place blame, though also knowing that it is okay to accept and to advocate for myself and the pain that infidelity has caused, and the direction it has at times steered my story.
I can see the vulnerable girl beneath the shell taking a
step away from the crumbling ruins and stepping into the world alone. Ready to
meet others like her who are striving for the same reality. The ones who are
also filled with pain and joy, tears and laughter, webs of chaos turned into
honesty and authenticity. The ones ready to embrace the past as the beginning
of their story, and the now as the good stuff – where the vague glimpses from
earlier chapters are revealed in a raw truth that is unparalleled, and the
future heading into an entirely new and beautiful, truly authentic direction.
Each day I step further from the shell of chaos that once
protected and yet also harmed me. Each day I struggle with the things that I
myself have done in reaction and protection, and those things that have been
done to me. And each day I not only peel back the layers of deceit in my head,
but I also fill my soul with new layers of truth and understanding.
And now, I’m working on stepping out further. Taking another look
around me and examining the places where I still see chaos and confusion, and
where I need to head towards confidence. I talk openly and without shame,
knowing that I have faced the harshest judgement from myself. My story is no longer a secret that I keep hidden deep within; instead I am free from the burden and the weight of carrying the chaos alone. And most
importantly, I am working on opening my heart to others… to hearing their story
and seeing their journey where they themselves are at. To seeing their actions
and looking beneath the surface… to hearing their words and authentically
starting to walk alongside them in whatever place they are at.
Everyone has a story. A reason. A why. Everyone has something (or several things) that has significantly impacted their lives (good or bad!) and now that I can be truly confident in my own story, and the place I am currently walking in my life; now I can sit and listen more clearly.
Infidelity within my life has caused significant damage to
me mentally… it created a chaos that I couldn’t grasp or control or even recognize. But from the
chaos, I have journeyed to find the confidence. A place of openness, truth,
authenticity, realism, and comprehension that is beyond what I could have
deciphered even one year short year ago. I’m not perfect in my healing. Some
days are harder than others. And some days, yes, the pain is still
excruciating and at times overwhelming.
But for the first time in years, I walk out the door each
day with my head held high, my chest light, and my heart eager to feel,
empathize, and understand with a new depth. Each day, more layers of chaos get carefully peeled back and I am able to not only share my story with others, but I am able
to hear and reach out, and walk alongside those others as they share their own raw
reality, or muddle their own way through chaos in their lives.
"Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest songs, the most poignant poems, the most gripping stories." -- Billy GrahamThis year, I will embrace and without apology share my story while I peel back the layers as I work through them. I will welcome opportunities for growth and sharing both in my personal journey and as I sit with friends and family. Because shared pain is perhaps at times, the most beautiful mentor.
