Two Roads to One Destination

Whispered truths.

Admissions among friends with the clause that nobody can know... or requests that they don't say anything to a certain person or a certain group of people.

Fear of judgement. 

Fear of the unknown. 

Fear of failure. 

I want to say that I am stable on my road to recovery. I want to write about how I embrace myself and all the quirks that come with who I am and the way that I think, act, or feel. I want to say something profound - some truth that will be earth shaking. I want to be solid in my thinking - to say that it is all  a straight pathway as I navigate my journey. 

But I can't. Because I'm not. 

I still have good days and bad days. Lately? It's been manageable and I have seen some major improvements in my thoughts and my behaviors. I have been sorting out my routine and my life, sticking with meds and putting in the work required to live in stability. 

But it doesn't mean that my journey is over or easy at all. In fact - it's almost the opposite. 

The further down the road to recovery that I travel, the more I see from those around me - the expectations that once I'm good - I'm good. An unspoken agreement that I might be able to slip back a step or two, but to completely fall down, is unacceptable. The looks and whispers and judgement that I see and/or hear when I say that I am having a difficult time and when I say that I need to do something different than what is acceptable to my friends or my family.

It comes from everywhere and it isn't deliberate. It simply isn't understood. 

I have a diagnosed mental health condition. My brain might never fire correctly on it's own... it might mean that I will travel a lifetime of medications, counselling, and constant self monitoring. It might mean that I will slip and fall and need help getting back up. It might mean that one day I will not appear to be the person that I appeared to be the day before.

Right now I'm doing somewhat okay... and I truly hope that I remain stable and level and in control. 

But I am also aware of the possibility that I might fall. I am aware of the fact that I might need to take some extra steps to ensure that I keep going on the correct path - even when it causes you to look twice at me.

Sometimes I make decisions based on my mental health - something that I don't usually admit for fear of being misunderstood or of being seen as weak, or excusing behavior. Sometimes I feel close to my breaking point - about to slip and fall, hanging on by a thread because of a fear of doing something that I need to do to maintain stability. 

It's a constant truth. It's a constant secret. 

Recently I made a big decision in my life, that really brought out this fear in me. I gave very few people the real reason that I made the decision that I did - bringing in other factors in my decision and making those the focal points. I avoided the truth... and the truth was that it was something that I needed to maintain my stability. I could feel myself falling down this rabbit hole, spinning wildly and trying to hang on for dear life. But I could feel my grip slipping and in the end I made the decision that I felt was best for me, my health, and for my family. 

But I didn't tell people that. Even those closest to me. I made other excuses and gave other reasons, but I didn't just come out and say that my health required me to make that choice. And it was because of this fear. This hidden feeling of judgement within me. 

Is it real? The judgement, the looks, the lack of understanding?

I can say yes with certainty. It is something that I have discussed at lengths, in conversations with family and friends that have left me vulnerable and afraid, worthless and like a failure. Conversations that have expressed frustration and impatience with me for being the way that I am, and not being able to just do what everyone else does. Conversations that have left me questioning who I am, what I'm capable of, and whether or not the people in my life are better off without me. 

I wish that I could say that I didn't care about the opinions of others or about their judgement and their misunderstanding of me and my situation. I wish that I could say that the looks, the comments, and the hurtful words slid right off me, never sticking, never bothering me. Although I try to let that be true, it isn't always the case.

Thankfully I'm in a place now where I can try and fight that fear. That need to whisper and keep my reasoning quiet. I am in a place where I can speak up and fight for what I need to maintain a stability in my mind. 

But sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes it is still difficult to explain. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense. 

But I can walk away knowing that I am doing all that I need to do to stay sane and to stay level. I can stand tall and firm and know that just because those around me might not understand, it doesn't mean that I am wrong, or weak, or making excuses. 

I can also try and raise awareness. I can stop the whispering and talk in a firm voice. I can say what I need and why I need it. I can show those around me that I am strong and capable despite my illness. I can take care of myself and ignore the fear of being different and of being judged. 

I can stand out. I can stand firm. I can stop the whispers, the lies, and the secrets. I can make having a diagnosis and living my life in a way that works for me, okay. 

Because I am okay. I am fighting, and I am working, and I am changing. My diagnosis does not define me, but it does help me find the pathway that works for me, sometimes, there is more than one way to live, more than one choice that can be made.

Sometimes there are two roads to one destination and while one might look different, or frightening or simply strange; sometimes it is the best path for your journey.  

 

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