Up, Down and Level

Thursday November 6th, 2014.
I can still picture myself sitting there.
I'm staring down at the beautiful waterfall as gallons of water crash down against the rocks at the bottom.
It's raining. The cold, drizzly kind of rain that chills you through to the bone, and I'm sitting alone on the low stone wall that no visitor is meant to climb. A wall that is supposed to keep you from accidentally slipping and falling down the cliff, becoming a victim of the water.
But on this particular day I am not a victim. I am aware completely that my current sitting position is dangerous and stupid. But I don't care. The longer that I sit and stare down at the water, the more entranced I become with the thought, the more peaceful and resolved my mind becomes. The more determined I am.
That is when I slide down the wall, me feet no longer dangling, now they are touching the small sliver of wet mud on the other side of the wall as one of my hands holds on behind me, the other clutching the small silver razor blade against my wrist. I've thought it through. Jumping is not guaranteed, yet a small vertical cut before I jump and I should have the ending that I desire at this moment in time.
In the background, beyond the roaring of the water, I can hear my name being called and I choose to ignore it at first, staring through the two Police Officers that have no doubt been called by my husband. They move slowly towards me and I speak in a low and yet firm voice, telling them to stop. I don't want them to come any closer, to stop me. So I push off from the wall just slightly and now I'm more hanging than standing, only one hand on the wall holding me upright.
The male Officer asks me a series of basic questions. Some of them I ignore and some of them I use to continue to tell them to stay back. I close my eyes briefly and when I open them the male Officer is telling me to come back over the wall and towards him while the female tries to sneak in behind me. I again demand that they stay back and take a deep breath to prepare. I know I have to jump now or it will be too late... they will stop me.
The officers know that I have the razor against my wrist, they can see it and have asked me again to come back over the wall, but they have backed off for now and I use it to my advantage. Shaking my head I turn and look at the water once before letting go of the wall while at the same time mentally telling myself to press the blade into my wrist...
"Drop the blade!" I blink my eyes open at the searing pain in my shoulder and back as I hit the ground hard behind me. I haven't fallen and I feel the weight of the female Officer on top of me while the male stands over me, a Taser pointed at my chest as he repeats the instructions to drop the blade from my wrist.
If nothing else, I'm intelligent enough to listen to his simple command. I drop the blade and I realize that it's over. I took too long and I failed to end my life. It comes crashing down around me and suddenly I'm back and I feel foolish and defeated and in just a small, minuscule way I feel relieved. As much as I hate it in the moment... I'm alive.
And this is so much more than my story. It is the story of a bi-polar mind, of decisions that make no amount of sense to the average person, and of the daily struggles of someone who doesn't have perfect mental health. This is my journey to peace, to a healthy mind, and to happiness through the Ups, the Downs and the Leveled moods.