The Most Secret Thoughts

November 5th, 2014. 

I spent the evening working a regular shift, smiling and laughing with coworkers and completing my tasks to the best of my ability. At the end of the shift I clocked out, gathered my things from my locker and left with a smile and a wave.

Nobody knew what I was planning. They didn't know that I had supplies... knives and pills... and a plan. They didn't know that it could have been the last time that they would see me. 

November 6th, 2015.

I held a razor to my wrist and attempted to jump off a cliff.

When I was in the hospital, my husband was tasked with speaking to my employer and with my permission telling my boss what had happened and why I was in the hospital. It wasn't a surprise to me to find out that she was shocked to find out that I had attempted to end my own life and as I became vocal during my recovery, it continues to repeat, the comments as people tell me that they had absolutely no idea. If only they had known.

It's one of the hardest parts of depression and mental illness. The secret thoughts, the words that you would never dare speak, the things that you would never tell anyone.

But it isn't only in the time of crisis. Being in crisis - facing depression and/or suicide - is usually the worst time, the time when you know you should talk to someone, speak out about what you're feeling... but you also know that it wouldn't change anything, your mind is made up.

But other times, thoughts come and go, things that you are well aware aren't normal thoughts, that are a product of your distorted thinking and your mental illness. You think them, you might even entertain them for a minute or two, but then your rational mind takes over, shoves those thoughts away to the back of your head. You don't bring them up to family or friends even if they continue to nag you from the back of your mind, because you know from experience that letting on that you are having those thoughts leads them to question your sanity and the distorted thinking continues, telling you that you could even be hospitalized again if they knew.
So nobody talks about it. Nobody knows. You return from the hospital, you go through recovery, attend appointments and meetings and pretend that you're normal... that nothing ever happened.
But something did happen.
Most of the time I'm fine.
But sometimes I still struggle.
Sometimes, for brief moments, those thoughts reappear and it is exhausting and it is hard to remind yourself of truth, to ground yourself in reality.
And it's those times that we need to make it okay to talk, because talking DOES help, talking makes it easier to bring yourself back and to deal with the thoughts rather than trying to hide them which usually only makes things worse.
So talk. And listen. Because if someone has faced the fear and the humiliation to open up to you, to let you know that things are difficult for the moment, they need your support... not your judgement. They need to know that they are loved, that just because they are having a bad day that you are not going to abandon them or commit them, that you aren't trying to fix or change them but support them.
It's really so simple, so basic. The things that most humans want and need are the same things that those of us who struggle with mental health need as well, so:
Listen, Love, Support.