All Shades of Gray

I don’t know where to begin.

I’ve been thinking about returning to writing (and specifically blogging) again for a while. But while I know my topic, and I know the words that are written in my heart; it is difficult to begin again… to write with clarity and focus, accuracy and effectiveness.

My first instinct when I think about coming back to this page and writing, is to do one of two things; either share my success – how far I’ve come and how well I am doing, or to share my woes – to rant, rave, and complain about why things are still difficult… what is up and what is down. Black and white. Good or bad. Mental health or mental illness.

I think the reason I have taken such a long break this time is simple though. Over the last several months I have been focusing on my recovery and specifically on healing. I have been on a journey throughout most of my life, and I am finally at a place where I can finally sit back and see exactly how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go. I can see the milestones, and the setbacks. I can see the hurt and the pain that still exists in my heart and my mind, and I can also share joy and peace, and stories of growth and commitment.

One experience, although sometimes more good than bad, or bad than good; no longer has the power to shift my thinking to recovery is going good or recovery is going bad.

During recent months I have been faced with the same decisions that I have faced over and over throughout my life. I have dealt with trauma and I have dealt with joy. I have lived with the consequences of my decisions and I have battled blame for decisions that were not mine. I have survived severe back pain, walking away from a job, financial insecurity, marital ups and downs, significant weight gain due to med changes, and general, everyday life.

This year has been one of my toughest yet… facing things that I didn’t believe would happen to me, living through mental and physical exhaustion, and revisiting my past. I have journeyed to the depths of my soul and I have sat and cried, yelled, argued, and thanked God for the trials and the blessings in my life. In marriage, I have recovered from infidelity and faced demons that have been haunting our relationship for decades. I have taken on a new, more confident role, and I have faced my own ability to make a decision that is right for myself and my children.

Each day I wake up and I find that I am learning something new… discovering a positive or a negative about myself or about others. I have learned to watch and listen more than I talk. I have learned to look around and maintain awareness of others and the world around me. I have ventured out of my comfort zone... in personal and in business fronts. I have formed new, valid, and strong opinions about life, love, politics, and the way that I want to live my life.

I still experience ups and downs. I still have days where I want to shout out how well I am doing with my mental health because I have learned one new thing, or discovered that I am now in more control than ever over specific habits. I still have days where I become quiet, desperate, and suicidal; days where I want to bury my head and pretend I don’t exist, or to stay in bed all day long, every day because the world is too much and my brain feels like it will implode if I have to talk to anyone.

As I head into a new year I both cringe and jump for joy. I’m terrified of what this year will bring… more change, more ups, more downs, and more general chaos… a world of unknowns. But I’m excited as well… because, well, my mental health is that… it’s health. It’s a feeling of normalcy despite the diagnosis and the work to maintain it. It is the conversations, the openness, and the candid life that I have learned to live. It is honesty, decision making, and continuous learning and growth. It is an opportunity to thrive in the good times and do more than survive the tough times. 

This is 2018. Mental health is with me... and while my diagnosis is still there, it no longer controls me. Life is moving forward, and this will be the year to move along with it. Big changes, little changes... it doesn't matter as long as I continue to grow, learn, and change... embracing the differences and the similarities... thinking in black and in white... and in all shades of gray. 

Happy New Year!