When I woke up this morning, I didn’t see today as the last day of 2018. I wasn’t ending a chapter of my life, to begin a new sentence tomorrow or a fresh start with a resolution that I would have no intention of keeping. I didn’t see it as an ending this morning as I rolled out of bed and got ready to go to the grocery store – to which I would face a beginning tomorrow morning where I would wake up fresh faced and ready to tackle a new year.
This morning I did however glance in the mirror at the reflection that stared me down as I brushed my teeth and got dressed. I saw the person who stared back at me with a quiet confidence that wasn’t there last year… the one who didn’t glance away in sadness, frustration, or yes disgust this time. I saw the person that remembered that one year is a long time… but it isn’t the only time.
As I tidied the house today and cleaned up some of the post-Christmas clutter that tends to accumulate; I kept coming back to the concept of time. It’s not the first time this year that I’ve visited this idea… and it won’t be the last I’m sure. For the past few months I’ve been taking some fantastic advice and trying to see the bigger picture within my life… thinking in various increments of time but coming back to the concept of decades or seasons.
If someone asked me to define this year… my word of choice would be hard. It was a difficult year and it seemed to be riddled with dark spots, tough times, and an unsettling uncertainty. There were tears and there were fights, there was loneliness, and there was a sense of loss. Between the rough patches, there were sparks and specks of light and hope… laughter, fun, and joy. But overall, it was a hard year in many ways.
Some days I quite honestly just did not want to continue on anymore, and at some points I felt as though I simply couldn’t.
So as today shifts into tonight; and tonight grows into tomorrow… I want to define my happiness and take control, and walk towards the New Year with passion and fight and resilience. But I am also looking at the path I’ve walked, ran, and sometimes crawled over the past decade and I know that a change in the calendar year won’t magically make it easier. I know that slamming the book of 2018 closed will not lead the way into the changes I’ve worked to make happen, because it was with these lows and this darkest year yet that I’ve finally gained some ground and become the person that I am now.
Tomorrow a New Year will begin for me… a new year which I hope will continue to grow and change me as a person. But the change will flow from now… from last week, last month, last year, and even last decade. Like always, it’s not a whole new me… it’s the same me as today… the one that just wants to walk her journey and learn along the way.
Happy New Year from my journey to yours, may this year continue with growth and love and with new learning each day, with every step we take.
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