The Journey

I'm not much of a writer.
But this is my space to get out everything that I feel, that I experience and that I deal with on an everyday basis. A place for me to spit out my moods with the best descriptions that I can come up with, and a place for me to vent, cry, and scream my thoughts.
You see, I have bipolar disorder. Yep. It's true. I was diagnosed more than three years ago now, and while it was quite the shocker to be told that my moods are not normal... it was also a relief. I finally, after years of ping-ponging moods understood why. I could now understand why the periods of depression I felt could be surrounded by (mostly angry) highs and periods of little to no sleep. I finally understood how, with everything that I sometimes had going for me in life, I could still go through those periods of depression, of crisis and of absolute grief and despair.
But it's still not easy.
After my diagnosis the doctors tried me on a variety of medications to try and stabilize my moods. Some were mood stabilizers and sometimes there were anti-depressants as well. Unfortunately, as is often the case, it is a trial and error situation. Like most mental health disorders and treatments, what works for one person often will not work for another.
I admit that I became frustrated. Side effects (sleeping for 18-20 hours/day) or moods that yo-yoed up and down dramatically left me feeling like it didn't matter, the meds would never work. At the time I believed that if I just focused on knowing myself, and knowing my moods, then I could therefore control, or at the very least live with bipolar disorder without medication. And so I stopped. All pills were flushed down the drain and I took up a new exercise regimen, tried to eat healthier and watched myself closely. I analyzed my moods and learned really well how to mask the ups and the downs and how to keep a level facade.
It worked for a year. It worked until I hit a major trigger. It worked until we moved and I suddenly lost the support system that I had worked very hard to build up around myself.
And that is when I found myself sitting on the edge of a waterfall, talking myself down and attempting to end my life again.
I spent two weeks in the Psychiatric ward of our local hospital after that event. They found a brand new medication for me to try that so far has minimal side-effects and they set me up in the community with wellness groups.
Am I cured? Do I feel... normal, happy? Not yet. Do I feel better? Definitely.
And this is why I'm writing here. This is why I want to share my story and my journey.