The Fight with Depression

I woke up this morning, groggy and exhausted. I tried to get up but it took several attempts and even when I was finally able to get going, my movements were sluggish. Last night I decided not to go walking this morning because I work at eleven and I'm not feeling the greatest mood wise. My kids and husband got off to work and school at their usual time and I had to fight the urge to crawl back under the covers of my bed until the last possible minute before work.

I don't want to admit it, but my mood has dipped down again over the last couple of days and I'm feeling the edges of depression reaching for me. 

I figure I'll give it another day or two but for the moment I'm worried. For the moment, my logical side is still somewhat present and can see what's going on, even though I naturally try to deny that anything is wrong. 

It's a difficult topic to talk about. If I know that depression is coming for me, why don't I just snap out of it... change something to make it go away? If I can see it, can feel it... am I really that depressed? Sadly, these aren't just questions that other people ask... they're questions that I still ask myself. The real problem is that when I'm depressed, my logical side isn't in control; sometimes it's not there at all. My mind and my emotions don't work together very well and by the time I can see depression looming in the distance... well, it's already a little closer than I thought. It's already taken over some parts of me. It's why I find myself overwhelmed and frustrated over the smallest things, why I find myself crying again, and why the simplest tasks become mountains that I have to overcome. Getting out of bed... brushing my teeth... having a shower... getting myself out to work... each task is a marathon I have to run and each task I try to complete wears me out a little more so it gets harder and harder to push myself through it. Eventually there's nothing left in me to fight it. 

I admit I'm fighting hard right now. And I admit that there's a part of me that doesn't want to fight it, that's already being sucked down into the depths of despair and the rest of me is struggling to hang onto the ledge. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. The medications are supposed to be doing their job, they are supposed to be keeping me somewhat level. That's why I'm not giving it long before I seek help... right now my logical side is still fighting to be present. It's why I'm talking to my husband, taking time for me and watching closely. I don't want to lose this battle and will call in reinforcements if necessary.